Penna and Poseygurl,

Thanks. Penna . . .I've never been good at seeing beyond a person's action for an ulterior ( and perhaps sinister) motive. Especially when the actions are the most tender and loving that I've ever experienced. I couldn't possibly fathom (still can't) that I was being used . . .or worse . . . .that this person was trying to hurt me. For the 5 -10 minutes per day that I can think clearly on this, some ideas, like that I was being used, or she was just trying to see if her "seductive" powers were still intact . . .do come to mind. But they're too horrible to consider for very long, so I drop them.

Were she to have remained my friend (call, email, go to lunch every once and awhile) these thoughts would NEVER cross my mind. Why were those activities so horrible to continue? I may never know, if she doesn't talk to me. But for about a year after the physical stuff stopped . . .we did those and, unless I'm a total idiot, they really seemed to add joy to BOTH of our lives. This is why the sudden end hurts SO bad.

Naive, huh?

Posey,

I realized I as soon as I wrote that line about depression that I was wrong, at least based upon all my studies about that disease.

It is a disease that many times, people who are suffering from it will look to a person or external cause to explain what's going on inside of them, and that's what my wife does.

I realize better than I've let on, that my earnings or assistance around the house or with kids is NOT the cause of her depression anymore than it could be the CURE for it. This is something that she must work on with a doctor and therapist. The fact that she has not chosen to do that, in spite of my pleas and putting all of my mental health benefits at her disposal tells me she finds our current lifestyle just "easier" while, of course you know, I do not.

Last time I put my mental health provider book in front of her, she laughed and said "When do I have time to go to therapy . . .with three kids!" I told her whenever and where-ever she chose to go I would take the time off and watch the kids while she went. . . .that her health was one of the most important things in my/our lives, and as we wouldn't ignore a cancer. . . .we shouldn't ignore this either.

I've been doing this for two years now. And I'll continue to do this. But an adult must take responsibility for his/her health.

Now, your comment on anger. Yes, I guess I'm angry. I see this as a natural reaction to inequity, especially an inequity that seems to last a long time. I would say, referring to my last post, that it's the inequity of doing your utmost to meet your spouse's needs while yours go unmet and largely un-acknowledged as even being legitimate!!! I think that that's a situation that can last for several years without serious reprecussions. Beyond that, damage starts to set in, one sign of which is anger.

I'm doing my best to manage it, but I feel its a very natural by-product to the life I lead . . . .and I'm only human.