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Oct 03, 2010, 10:11 AM
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Member Since: Jun 2007
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 5,518
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 Hi guy
You don't appear abnormal to me. It was your first experience at a funeral AND you had to "perform" in front of an audience. It's fairly common for close friends and family members to be on autopilot during a funeral. I attended a funeral - the father of a very close friend. I spent quite a bit of time with her, and she mentioned several times she was grateful to see me at her father's funeral. When I referred to the funeral several years later, she had no recollection of me even being there - or anyone for that matter.
It's not necessary to put on a show for others. If you're doing okay and feeling no pain over the loss, maybe it's just because it didn't leave a hole in your heart - which bears no judgment on whether or not you loved her.
It's particularly tough to lose the "lifelines" in our lives. These are the friends and family who keep us going from day to day - the ones who depend on us and the ones upon which we depend.
I cried when my father died. I had always been a "daddy's girl." The sound of his voice and the feel of his hug always calmed me - he was the only one who made me feel safe. I cried because I knew I'd never feel safe again.
I cried when my best friend died at the age of 26. We'd been best friends since the age of 2, and she was the only friend who completely understood me. She was with me through the highs AND lows of life. She was someone I could always count on to understand without having to explain myself - regardless of its complexity.
My father and best friend were real treasures in life. I hope you never have to lose any treasures. If and when you do, you might or might not cry. It's up to you - do whatever you need to do (without causing any harm to yourself or others) in order to heal. Heal on your own time.
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