I should put this on the big thread we have going but I find it impossible to follow correctly.

I just feel like I have no future. No real hope for anything being or getting better. If this is the best things are going to be I don't know how to live with that for the rest of my life. I am not remotely s** but it's more like I wish I never had any hope that I could have a better life than I did with untreated bipolar. It was stupid and silly to think that anything would really change. Taking meds just covers up the broken useless brain that lurks on the inside. There is no way to be a good NICU nurse with being perpetually sleepy and slow, with obvious tremors. I just want to cry but I try and I can't. Then I have a day with a bit of hypomania and people love me. They love it when I clean the house and do the shopping and am cheery and do everything at work faster than everyone else. It's like everything in my life reinforces the hypomania. But I know it isn't my friend. Or its a bad friend. But right now it's like hypomania moments are the only friends I have.