It does help to know that others understand my situation. Thanks Blueoctober.

I remembered recently that October being my birthday month should make it a happy month. But my grandma died on my birthday 15 years ago, my miscarriage started the day after my birthday 1 year ago. I got my first inkling that my ex fiance cheated on me in October 13 years ago. October is a month from HELL that I really want to drink myself through. But I won't.