{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}},

Thank-you for telling us how you're doing. That had to be very hard to do, both to talk to your T about it and also to write to us about it as well. I do think that talking about it is going to be a good thing, at least in the long run, even though it's scary now.

That loss of conscious control can't be all that uncommon. One question that I keep being asked is, "Did you know what you were doing when you were doing it?" They wouldn't ask that if it weren't recognized that some people don't know what they are doing.

I think that as long as you are being honest about what is going on with you and you aren't imminently going to try to end your life or hurt someone else (it helps if you can give a reason why you won't), you will be allowed to make your own decisions.

My T was asking me about suicidality last time. I had told him that that was seeming like an option that made sense to me, but that I wouldn't do it. He wanted to know if I had visualized going through with it (yes - the visualization of who would most likely find me was what scared me the most), and was really concerned about that. He says that there is a part of you that doesn't distinguish between thoughts and reality, and that part of me now thinks that I have actually done it. That's a scary thought, isn't it? He's never even suggested inpatient treatment for me, but I guess he could make a case for it if he did decide to, couldn't he? I'm going to have to watch my steps for a while. Why am I telling you this? I just want you to be careful where you let those thoughts go, because you can cause yourself damage mentally too.

Please take care of yourself, and try to get better. Let your T and your Pdoc help you. They want you to be better, and you do have potential. What would you like to do with your life? You could do anything you want - you're still young.

Take Care!
Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>