hey all..

I saw my T last night. Was a good session... I cried A LOT.

The thing that I have to focus on is that I am not a failure and the reason for the end of the relationship with Louis wasn't MY fault. That if anything he was the one that had issues.

A few things came out of the session.. the main one being that i am to get off the dating sites (I did that last night). When my T asked me to it was like he was asking me to cut my leg off .

Seems that I have a "NEED" to be in a relationship to feel whole... its probably true. I have never been single since I was 15 until this year and even then I am searching..

I do feel that I am pathetic... 30, single, living back at home.. I feel that I have to have someone or I am a failure.. worthless and well not NORMAL.

We are going to work on that haha... I am having weekly sessions - don't think even after the Mark thing I had weekly sessions.

Anyway... I wrote to Louis on FB and then deleted him - damn it hurts.. hurts so much!

this is what I wrote:

October 5 at 8:01am
hey,

I have sent you emails and as you haven't replied well.. guessing friendship really isn't something that you want with me LOL
I know that you are busy with your "new" chickies Its good that you can move on so fast really - guess it does prove that there was nothing but smiles between us.
I opened up to you and trusted you and well yeah got hurt.
Don't even know why I am bothering to write this, its not like you care LOL

Anyway.. rather than have "death by 1000 cuts" - how it feels now that it is over.. I am going to delete you from my FB. I realise that you probably wont even notice haha and thats sad.
Any way if you do actually want to be friends.... send me a friends request sometime.

You missed out on a wonderful thing... ME!

I would say "be good".. but whats the fun in that.

I do hope that you find the one that you are looking for.. scary part about that is that I am sure you are saying all the same things you said to me to another girl .. It opened my mind to dream again..... it was nice but heart breaking.

Anyway. Take care and like I said if you actually want to be friends then send a request or text me when you are back in Perth if you are not too busy on your dates

Belinda

What I am hoping is that by making this choice myself I have gained a little control back over how I am feeling

Its going to be a hard long road again.. I know it was only 3 months.. totally pathetic to be this depressed.. but he was my first after Mark and he made me dream again. Made me feel like there was going to be a happy future.

The thing that I am going to work through first is getting that confidence that i know I have back... to stop feeling worthless and like I have achieved nothing in my life but pain...