<3<3<3<3Wendy<3<3<3

Sorry I never really got back to your last message, Let's just say the past days have been trying, but I definately appreciate your help more than you could ever know. It was definately hard to tell them, but I'm trying my best to remain optimistic about it. My last visit with my T where we talked about me SI for the first time was quite cathartic, and one of the most successful sessions we've ever had. For once I didnt leave her office with the horrible guilt of not being able to tell her something that's on my mind. If anything it was a cleansing hour if nothing else.
I do think that the dissassociation aspect is rather common, she said that it was. Seeing as I find I use it for escape more than anything. I'm trying my best to be honest, but it's just so hard when I have to live in fear and censor my thoughts in order to be able to leave her office and not be committed. I've told my T the same thing about suicide seeming like a viable option too, and she told me that she couldn't let me go home unless I promised her I wasn;t going to do anything without calling her first ( which quite honestly I would never do because I honestly would never consider my insane fears worthy of encroaching upon her real life). I've been asked too if I've made plans on how to go about it (which I indeed have, I've researched it down to the very detail, and I know that this is where T's draw the line between real suicidal intentions). Of course I've never told her this, for I know that it would land me in the hospital. I've flat-out lied to her when she's asked me this, for it's something I just can't say out loud. I've thought about who would fins me too, but since I live away from home and with two roommates whom I barely see it honestly doesn't worry me. I think the only thing that has stopped me is the fear that something will go wrong and I will end up worse off (e.g. in a coma). I definately share your view of tip-toeing around my T as to what I say. I know it is definately not the best thing to keep secret, but I just can;t face this at the moment. I think that telling my T about the cutting was a big enough step for now ( which is ironic because I have been fighting the urge to cut all night, and just gave in for a while before I sat down) I wish it didn't feel so good.
But on a more positive not, thanks for the support. I;m trying to think of a future that is one I will enjoy, it's just so hard not to give up for a number of reasons that I will not go into. Anyways, you take care too : )

<3 Kelly <3