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Oct 05, 2010, 03:09 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
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 Hello, ohmindy. Most of us who struggle with former abuse, depression, ADHD, etc., are all too familiar with the cycles and the difficulties forging close relationships that you have described.
All abuse is intended to damage your self-esteem - to make you believe that you don't deserve to have or be treated any better. This prevents the victim from developing healthy self-image, boundaries, and goals, and makes the victim dependent upon the abuser for validation which, of course, is always withheld by the abuser in order to control the victim and give the abuser easier access to the victim.
So, the first thing you must do is develop good self-esteem and healthy boundaries for yourself; in other words, your primary relationship must be with yourself. You must become the person that you would like to have a relationship with - become good company for yourself so that you are not at a loss when others are not present or available.
Whenever you look to others to validate your self-worth, you are giving them power and control over you - giving them power to define your identity and assign value to you - power and authority they have no right to wield over you. You alone define your own identity and determine your own destiny.
Try to shift your perspective a bit and be more concerned about where and whether others fit in your life, rather than asking others to fit you into their lives, especially since you might not like where they put you. Be your own best friend first, then you'll have a better idea of what qualities to look for in others for you to consider them "friend" material. I can assure you that you will have many, many more acquaintances in your life than true friends - it's about quality, not quantity.
Life is full of potential - you have the opportunity every moment of everyday to modify and re-create yourself - to choose who you want to be. So, if anything, set your expectations of others higher, not lower, but change the nature of what you expect of them - don't burden them with the responsibility of defining and judging you. You need to surround yourself with the very best people you can possibly find (honest, patient, understanding, compassionate, trustworthy, supportive, etc.) in order to provide yourself the best possible environment for healthy physical and psychological growth.
I hope you are feeling better very soon.  lynn09
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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