I feel as if I am out of time and honestly, I "think" I want to be admitted. I am so afraid of how my husband will react. He won't be mean or any thing but it will put another burdon on him financially. He loves me so much and has told me he wishes I could just stay home but if I feel I can't be trusted then he will take me. Here's the thing, I have been in so much physical and emotional pain that admitinly I take more meds than I am suppose to take. I do this because it numbs me some what and if I go in THEY have all the control of my meds and I am already so addicted to the dosage I am taking I'm afraid of withdrawl which by the way will indicate my little secret. I fear they will take me off the meds I want and put me om crap that won't make my physical pain tolorable etc.

I am so afraid of hospitals and staff etc. I have seen many various doctors over that past year alone and have had multiple surgeries. My mind is so broken, I just feel numb lately. I have no intrest in anything at all.

I do not have custody of my beautiful children, they are almost 700 miles away from me. I am missing out on so much in their lives. My ex has a veryt powerful and rich family of Attorneys so I didn't stand a chance when I left him 6 years ago of keeping the kids. That's such a long story....but it is a major part of my depression. I know this is wrong but I wish they HATED him, and all those who are raising them and beg to come to me. But where they are they have the best that money can buy, golf lessons for the boys, soccer for my little girl and so much more. I can barely pay the child support let alone buying them little things once in a while like I want just to let them know mommy loves them. They always tell me I dont have to give them gifts, they love me very much but they cry for me.

I can't type here what I need to talk about but I need my husband to help me. I have no energy for anything, I hate being alone but at the same time I in a sick twisted way I like it because then no one can see me or hear me cry. I don't have to put on a "front I'm fine" when I am alone.

I feel sad, empty, ugly, drained of life and so much more. I took some meds and I am gettimg tired so I am going to take a nap now. No worries, I just took an extra pain pill that's all. Hell, I don't know what I want to do really. For now....just sleep and sleep and sleep.