I just realized I cannot do T. I just spent 50 giving him a brief overview of my history. I didn't even get into the bad stuff. Towards the end I got really dizzy, and really nauseous. I left there feeling unstable. I couldn't even drive home, I just went to the beach and sat there on the breakwater in the cold rain for well over an hour. I'd still be there if my daughter hadn't called an asked where dinner was.

I just can't talk about this crap. I know I am weak. You are all going to say stuff like "hang in there, it's hard work, but you can do it" etc.

The fact of the matter is, no...I can't. I was very brief today, barely even skimmed the surface, just a really generic overview...and my whole world is spinning, I can't function.

I wasn't built for this. I can't stomach it. I get too unstable too easily. I need to not talk about me at all. No T, no pdoc, no medication. I need to get back to where I was 4 years ago before I took this sideroad. Back to accounting, back to working a million hours a week, back to oblivion.