Sitting here my mind seems to be running in all different directions trying to figure out if it is okay to post or does it even matter. Somewhere inside feels pulled away almost ripped apart. Breathing feels short and as if it is almost afraid to take the next one that comes. Tears sit right inside the eyes as if they are afraid to fall, seems someone is pulling them up as quickly as they are coming.

My eyes seem to be not only mine that are looking out and a pressure is building within being pushed with a fear that seems known but yet just out of reach. A silence has come over with a sense of shaking within somewhere and a cold feeling that runs deep, much deeper than anyone knows. Sometimes feeling dizzy, feels like I am leaning to the side yet sitting up straight.

The bruises are gone finally from a couple of weeks ago yet the fear and pain run much deeper and meets somewhere within to the other bruises that have faded long ago yet are still inside as if they have never left. Afraid to leave the four walls that surround us---- myself, shut down within. Nothing seems to take away that fear and cannot seem to allow anyone in.

The emptiness and aloneness screams out in a volume that pierces like a knife yet nothing seems to be said afraid to open up, to allow anyone into this private hell. Seems my heart is shattered yet it breaks over and over again and each step one takes to heal gets smashed by another that you did not see. Can one ever get to a place where taking a step does not seem to cause a domino effect that falls just ahead of the next one?

No one knows what one holds so close or what one is dealing with yet seems it does not matter. You try to paint on that mask and smile but deep down inside that mask is so heavy pulling harder on you than anyone knows. Closeness scares me so much yet being distant scares me too. Seems feelings from within are almost reaching up and choking me, trying to cut me off from everyone.

Somehow love, hurt, rejection, and abuse seem to be all rolled up into one ball. How do all these things get wrapped into one? Worthless, Nothing, and Nobody seem to stand firm almost as if daring one to try to be anything but and Silence is close beside them all. To look in the mirror the face staring back looks anything but as your own staring back. A burning fills my throat making it hard to swallow.

Thoughts within swirl once again almost as if a storm is rising up or brewing off in a distance. But it seems like that distance is not as far off as it once was. It feels as though giant winds have come and knocked me off my feet once again. Screams within of a fear once again so known yet the damage the storm left behind leaves no proof of what lies within other than this life that lays entangled and in pieces among the debris.

You try and try to get up and gather the pieces back up but something keeps taking them and shredding them even in tinier pieces than already seems impossible to find. Seems the harder you try the farther away they get. Until you are so tired and beaten up that to take another step feels almost impossible to do. But you keep trying and trying reaching one more time wondering if this time you will find another piece inside all the rubble.

You know there was a storm, everyone can see the shattered life yet you cannot find proof of where it all started and the end is still not in site. The secrets scream but no one can hear for the silence that fear has left behind. It seems to echo out far beyond what anyone sees or can understand. Lies and deception seem to speak louder than even the whisper of truth staring back at ones own face.

When the secrets deepen pushing one back into themselves closing tight and pulling one away to silence, you wonder does it matter at all? Trying to fight back looking for the one piece of evidence that would shatter the lies and open the door once again. Somewhere inside laughter drowns out the truth not allowing even a word to be heard among those within.

This storm started long ago but seems to continue today. A life began to shatter before it even had time to begin and that shattering begins and begins all over even today. A plan that no one would ever know still dwells deep inside, a life still being stopped and controlled from both inside and out by the very ones still remaining a secret. Carrying on through those of today without anyone’s knowledge or at least their understanding.

You cut the strings that held you down to the strings you thought you added on but even those strings had to be cut to continue on. Once the strings are cut you are alone feeling lost and wondering where do you go now? Tears fall but on what? Secrets remain and continue with no proof, and a life trying to find a way to carry on but at what cost? One tries to reach out to push away those surrounding because fear puts up a barrier screaming you cannot get close.

At the same time the hand reaching out grabs on tight not wanting to let go and hoping someone will somehow know they are still there. To be so scared to let anyone too close yet terrified that one real glimpse inside would push the strongest one away leaving you alone forever. But you hold on tight trying so hard to be okay on the outside so that somehow you fit in someplace.

Each day you get up trying to put one foot in front of the other, to do what is right, to reach a little farther within to open the doors that seem locked forever. Nothing you can say will allow anyone to see the fear that one tries to conceal yet is screaming out in silence. That silent scream that plays over and over in your head and is not only of yourself but also of all those that are within you.

Sometimes one will get a glimpse of what is within of those that are of myself but sometimes even they are terrified of what is or could be waiting outside of us. A look, from eyes that you are not sure if you know or if they just remind you of someone that once got so close that they almost became part of yourself. Those eyes that almost glare into your very soul, the only thing that you ever really got a look at.

Eyes can just be a mirror into that part of your self that reflects the terror one once knew and felt, eyes that can look away as fast as they make contact but eyes that forever stay with you and haunt you deep within. No one else has seen those eyes for they only visit when no one else is around and they can keep attacking even when they are gone. Eyes that say, "don’t tell", "we’re watching you" even when they are not around.

When one has a sense of danger it never goes away no matter how hard you try to forget, it never lifts from one day to the next not knowing where or when they may come again. No eyes seem safe as eyes can tell the story without any words written or said. The eyes that looked at you one would think would never be forgotten and deep inside they are not. But when so many eyes seemed to say the same things they begin at times to run together almost becoming your own.

When a child fears eyes and grows into the adult that is afraid to look too deeply into anyone eyes, that needs to turn away before anyone can really look too deep into their own eyes, it tells you that something lies within maybe deeper than she wants anyone to know. Maybe even deeper than she herself can find but it is there if you look.

When a child wanted to die and to go to place where little girls would not be hurt, who had to leave herself to live, and who later grew into the teen who would burn herself on the heat grates at school to feel the pain so that the pain of the fighting and arguing at home did not seem so bad something lies within that would cause her to need to do this to herself.

Standing feeling herself rise to the ceiling and someone else stepping in to take her place as words were thrown out in anger not old enough to understand what was taking place or not brave enough to stay later in life, hiding deep within herself never having feelings or emotions, never feeling loved or wanted, needing someone else to step in just to live, something lies deeper than anyone ever wanted anyone to know.

To need to cut to bring the pain from the inside to the outside and find someway to eliminate that feeling of worthless, nothing, and a no-body, yet nothing stopped the pain or the feelings. When food became the enemy trying hard to somehow be perfect but not even that was good enough. Love only came through pain and hurt, terror and loss. It was those that would love never answering for anything and an adult still paying the price to ever have been born even today.

What is time and what is love? Time is something that still does not catch up for those within who are holding on to all the terror and memories. With each step taken forward another is pushed back, and knowing ones self never really comes. Those within trying hard to reach out and to share what they know but somewhere within still reins those that started it all. Deep within where no one knows, hiding yet present, hurting yet laughing at the pain.

As each day comes it feels as though another part of myself is still lost. Trying to find those pieces scares me. Those pieces that stop your very breath at times making you ask yourself who am I and am I going to be okay. Those you did not create yet they are there seeming to reach up and choke the very breath you breathe. Taunting and setting you up at all turns yet you do not understand or know but somehow you have to because they are a part of you just as are the others.

The outside world does not see what takes place nor do they hear what is said within. They do not see where you are or how scared you are and they are not looking inside of you to see the pain and fear you hold. You try to carry on being who you are but sometimes you do not know. You reach but fear at the same time. You want to be held but are afraid of the very touch that could be safe. You cry but many times alone when no one is around.

Somewhere inside lies all the broken pieces and truths no one has ever heard. There is no proof anywhere except what lies within the one facing it all. You feel so utterly alone as no one can really step within you and feel what you feel. But you try to open up even knowing the cost is great and the fear is greater. But you keep taking that next step however small it may be. And you keep hoping that you will not be alone when the fear pushes one away all the while you are crying do not go.

Again this night feels so long as I search within myself for answers. The tears now flowing hard knowing no one can do this but myself. Whatever happens I am responsible for even those things I do not control or know that is taking place. And all you want is for some peace to come. So you hold on a little longer hoping you do not push everyone away and that somehow the world might slow down just long enough for you to catch your breath, that breath that went away and is trying to come back.

All you want is for the night to end and the day to start over. And you hope in the end you are not standing alone again.

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