so i'm back on the therapy/medication merry-go-round.
and i'm really, really struggling.

i'm fortunate in that i'm not at uni this semester. i only work 1 day a week, so i have a lot of down time in between having to put on my "outside" face.

i'm just coming to wonder whether i'm ever going to be truly happy. or not even happy, just not depressed.

i'm seeing austin-t, and i'm seeing pdoc, and they both seem helpless and hopeless to make me better. actually - they help me feel better - but it's the barrier to "good, ok, fine" which we can't seem to reach.

austin-t encourages me to just try to do as much as i can each day. last week my achievement was in cooking a meal and brushing my hair. this week i went to work after a month's leave. and it does help to stop judging myself and just do what i can, but certainly there is the awareness that i'm meant to be able to do more than this in life.

tears of frustration that i really do seem to be handicapped in what i can achieve (right now). and that pdoc and austin-t can't remove it, only make what i've got more comfortable. it's just the hardest thing to work within.

i dont know what i want from this thread. just venting, i guess. and struggling to accept that what i thought was possible (being "well" one day) isn't actually a possibility, no matter how hard i try, or how much quality help i receive. it sucks .