thanks, jex. the holy grail of med balance is a bit of a myth, at least for me. i've been with pdoc for 5 1/2yrs, and i'm currently on med #14. the last one was probably the best, but i was never reliably stable on it - did manage to drop out of uni while on them, afterall.

i can take a step back from this **** feeling and realise that this particular bout of depression isn't going to last forever... but i think i'm just coming to terms with that fact that i'm never going to be rid of depression for good. and that when i'm in a bout of it, there's really not much pdoc or austin-t can do to help me.

it's ok. i'm not really asking anyone to tell me otherwise. just struggling to accept that the "one day i'll be well" myth is what it is. when i first saw pdoc all those years ago i never would have dreamed that i'd still be seeing him half a decade on. and it's starting to sink in as to why. not cool, but not much to be done about it either .