It seems that for every small step that I take forward, I fall backwards off a huge cliff. It seems like I am not making any headway on being better. When I think everything is going well, things start to break apart again. I have been dissociating more and more and have been sinking back into that bad place. I know it is happening, yet I feel powerless to stop it. Our counselor says that it gets worse (sometimes much worse) before it gets better, but how do I make it through the "worse" parts without resorting to SIB or thoughts and actions that cause me to get into trouble or thrown into a psych ward? I feel so helpless right now and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright, but I can't stand being touched. How is that possible? I want something I cannot have because it is too painful. Touch is so toxic right now, but I want to feel it. I want to feel safe, loving hugs. I know that others inside feel my sadness and my other emotions and I cannot stop the flood from engulfing them. How come is it that I always seem to make myself sound so selfish? I want this, I want that...blah blah blah. I just want to feel like there is hope and it will get better. Hopefully this post is ok with community guidelines...I have forgotten what they are. Sorry.

Cris