((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))) by the way I love the new picture.

Parents can be a p[ain in the you know where. I too had to cut off contact. Total cut off lasted for 3 years. Then I allowed limited contact with my mother after my abuser died and we are just beginning 12 years later to have some sort of respectful relationship. When my step father was dying I had the choice to go to him or not. I decided not because at that point her was not lucid, he would not have recognized me and I didn't want my last memories of him to be all the hospital tube, monitors and so on, so even though a relative said she would be right there holding on to me so I wouldn't have my hospital fear panics I didnt go. For years I thought about and hoped he would die before my mom because I knew if she was first he would come after me again. I thought I would be cartwheel happy that he was gone. Then when it actually happened first I was happy. He was gone and I was finally truely free forever. But then guilt snuck in - I should have gone to him, I shouldnt have gone public for that added to his heart problems.. So many illogical thoughts of guilt then one day I was sitting in a restraunt with a friend and started crying. At first I didnt realize I was crying. I became aware of it when a friend took her napkin and wiped my face saying she wondered when it was going to hit. and it did big time for I had in the past few months been gaining the memories of the good times we had and that day in the restraunt all the love that I felt for those good times was there and I knew I would never have those good times with him ever again. I still bounce between loving and hating him. I still don't have contact with most of my family but my mother and I did talk about him and my feelings of his death. Most of the time now she accepts that I both love and hate him. and thats because one day I told her when she got upset about how I felt that these are my feelings just like her feelings are hers and her opinion of my feelings was not up for discussion then I got up from my chair and went for a long walk when I came back we didn't discuss what happened and still haven't but that doesn't matter because she now knows to keep her opinions to her self on what SHE thinks I should be feeling. Im feeling what I am feeling and thats that.

You have every right to feel however you feel about your dads death. and no one can take that from you.

(((((((KD)))))))