((((Calista+12))))

Thank you for posting and I do hear you and understand so much. I have often asked the question "What is truth"? Does it lie within one's self? Can one find trust? These questions are real and ever present at times and sometimes almost overwheling to one who feels so much and knows within themselves the truth, but the world around them feels so distrusting and unreal.

Your truth is your truth hon just as each one of our truths are our truths. No one can tell you or myself or anyone what it is within themselves. I have often and still keep saying if only I could have one little thing that would show proof of what happened and of what I hold. But there is no proof and those that were there would never tell anyone for it would no doubt get them in trouble and send them away.

Just the other day I told my friend and my t that I wish I could prove what I tell them happened but all there is, is this shattered life of us's and we's, of sorrow and utter sadness, of devastaion and the inability to trust. Our ability to accept hugs does not exist except through one who stands for us to get a hug because touch hurts.

They see the eyes that hold so many truths of the hurt and abuse staring at them, unable to look even into their eyes but for brief seconds before having to turn and look away afraid someone might see more than we are willing to allow anyone to see. They see the body memories that appear and disappear just as fast leaving no trace of the marks or bruises that were just there.

They hear the cries of those within and the terror that fills our voice as we try to speak. They watch as we shut down afraid to even be heard at times and at other times fractic to clean and be perfect but not even perfection stops the need for more. They see the tears fall that never fell before and each time we fall they help lift us back up to stand.

Even if those that were responsible were to deny it all it does not make it true as if they would tell us not to tell, that nothing ever happened and it was a dream, that no one would believe us, or that no one could ever care----why would they say that unless they were afraid that someone would? If they could scare us all to silence then their wrongs and evils are hidden and if we never tell then they have done what they set out to do.

When someone tells you don't tell and in the same breath says if you tell you will be in trouble, they have something they are trying to keep silent. It is the lies and evils they are trying to hide so no one will know. They tell us this to keep us quiet, but why? Because they know that we know the truth----our truth----and it is something they do not want told because it would shed light on what happened.

Even so, you still look for that one thing that would prove what we know is right and it seems to never come. I think for myself it could be staring us in the face and we would miss it because we were always told we were wrong. But we were not wrong and our life shows this truth every day we get back up and keep putting one foot in front of the other even though it feels as though we are walking in quicksand being pulled back, we push forth even inching at a time.

I think we all choose to inch along as we walk this path. The suspician and fear is there many times screaming silently within but we know it is there. Your truth hon is there and it is what you know. We believe you and we listen and hear. We have a right to be heard and to take percaution as we take these steps. We never knew truth and we never knew anyone would listen.

But we are and we care. As hard as it is it will not go away until we face it and tell it and work through it and let it go. It was never ours to carry but those that abused. As we walk together we will never have to be alone again. Taking that one chance to trust could be the one thing that could allow us to be heard and believed. If we never take that chance we will never know that it is possible.

Know that I care and I am listening. Walking right there with you and trying to shed light to the truth. It is hard and sometimes almost impossible but even one word could start the avalache that would allow each one of us to be free. Believe in yourself hon, I do. Sending gentle hugs and loving thougths. Always.

dps