Serenity,

Thank You for your reply. It took me another hour or so to re-find this site and figure out how to post again .

Our boys are now 7 and a half and almost 9. I should point out that we also have two other sons, now 6 and 2 and a half. Those boys are our biological sons. (The 6 year old was 2 when we adopted our other two.)

I have such a strong desire for openness in our relationship with our boys first-family, especially their first-mother. I know how beneficial it can be for ALL of us ... including her, because in order for her to deal with the reality of her past, she must face the reality of what happened to her children. HOWEVER, I am slowly discovering that even if I am a prime candidate for an open adoption, she isnt capable. Its very painful for the kids and I want a way to explain to them that they can understand. Its so hard when birthdays go by unagknowledged by anyone in their birthfamily or when major life events go unnoticed. Its been a hard journey for ME to realize that their birthmom isnt whole and capable of the type of relationship I desire (I suppose I was a bit naive, considering the abuse and neglect the boys sufferred but I figured that she had already paid the highest price possible in the loss of her boys and anything i could do to ease her pain would be beneficial) so I cant imagine who difficult the journey is going to be for them.

The boys are doing AMAZINGLY well. What I would like to do is be able to prepare them to understand this information BEFORE adolescence.

Again, thanks for your response.
Jen

PS. My mom was a birthmom 11 years before I was born in a horrible, typical 60's adoption scenario. I think seeing her pain made me more understanding of the position of each triad member.