One wounded part for me is in regard to work, career, life-passion etc.

I have had the realization lately that a lot of my depression presents itself with this loop that plays around and around (and around) in my head. It says, "you aren't doing it right, you need to be doing things differently, you should be doing X and not Z right now."
And really the "shoulds" are geared toward two people: my dad and his wife. In my mind the voices belong to them mostly. But the voice also alternates between being mine and being theirs.
So...
I realize I feel pretty OK if I am doing things for myself or my partner: cleaning the house, buying groceries, taking care of our pets, doing my artwork, or even studying some of my old textbooks in preparation (I hope) of going back to grad school some day. Those things are like a "free zone."
It is simply when I venture to the thoughts of anything "outside" of myself or our home: an outside career, a simple low-wage job, even volunteering. I freeze up completely. My heart turns to ice. I shrivel up into a ball. I feel sick and worthless, hopeless, lower than anything, angry, depressed and then especially angry at myself because I am not "functioning" and seem "lazy."

So in an effort to "fix things" lately I have been *trying* in my mind to meld the two areas of the things I enjoy on my own and things that are related to "outside."

Where I get caught up in this area is:
I don't know who I am doing things for, making an effort for.

As an example:
I recently found a volunteer position online that sounded interesting.
But an hour later I realized in the back of my mind I was methodically forming out how I was going to tell my dad about it and how important this would be to him.
My relationship to this thing again took the back burner.
It's like as soon as I begin thinking about these "outside" things: work, career, job etc.
It is NOT mine anymore. It belongs to someone else. I am not my own anymore, I belong to someone else. The things I do at home are good. The things I do outside are hurtful. I can pretend they are helpful to me but... well it apparently it doesn't even last very long. Pretty soon it is all about everyone else. I don't own it anymore.

I mean, I know there are benefits to doing things for another person until you can do them for yourself. It is one of the reasons I finally got the therapy: for my partner. But I knew she had my best interest in mind and it turned out to be the best thing for me (of course).

But my dad has really hurt me in the past. To some extent his wife has too, but this is more complicated. A lot of it comes from her "views" on work that I know are important to her. Basically that if one isn't working or at least trying, one is being lazy.
So when I do these things for him, or for his wife. It definitely feels... well like I disappear.

I just don't know how to get around these feelings. Except to take them to therapy.
Just wondering if anyone could relate to this issue of "losing yourself" in a hurtful way.

E