i'm sure part of your roller coaster ride recently was coming off the lamictal. hope u're feeling better nor re that.
you mentioned holding yourself up by the bootstraps...well justme but when i hold so much inside it usually explodes  so perhaps counselling would help you sort out all you've been carrying around. for me that sack gets awfully heavy and quite an emotional burden.
be kind to yourself. feel better soon. 
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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