((((((((Elana))))))))))


I can ABSOLUTELY relate. I'm dealing with this problem too. It's really tough. No matter how many times I tell myself (and my counsellor tells me, and my friends tell me) that my parents' desires don't have to be MY desires, I just freeze up. I can't think of my future without worrying about how my parents will react to it. Every life decision I have made thus far has been, in some way, about THEM, about what THEY want and how THEY feel and what THEY think. I went to university because I was groomed for it, I never really had a choice. I went into a program my parents approved of but that I can barely stomach. I came very close to applying for law school because my dad has wanted me to be a lawyer pretty much since I was born (it was his dream for himself that was never realized, hence the whole "living vicariously through my kids" thing). The first time I told him that WASN'T what I wanted to do, I had a complete breakdown and I couldn't stop crying for hours -- BUT, it was incredibly freeing too.

My parents are a lot like your dad's wife. If I'm not doing something "productive" (by their definition), I MUST be being lazy. It has reached the point where I hate being at home because if I happen to be watching tv, even if I spent all day doing things for my family (I help my grandparents out a lot -- 70% of my time goes to them whenever I'm in town) because what I've been doing has no material value I need to jump straight into something productive like studying or researching grad schools for them to be happy. It took a LOT of explaining for them to understand that my lack of energy, my need to stay in bed locked away from the rest of the world sometimes and my inability to concentrate or follow through on a lot of tasks is due to an illness I can't control and not innate laziness.

Now, I'm finishing my undergraduate degree mostly because my parents would be incredibly disappointed if I didn't despite the fact that this program makes me incredibly unhappy and severely triggers my depression. I'm fighting off their urging to apply to teacher's college after this degree -- because teaching is a parent-approved career -- while I try to finish my applications for Master of Fine Arts programs in creative writing, like I've wanted all along. Going to teacher's college makes me feel physically sick to my stomach, and I know it's not what I want to do with my life, and I'd be MISERABLE because it's simply not my niche, but part of me is tempted to do it just to get some release from those voices. The trouble is, if it's not one thing with them, it's another. None of us is ever going to live up to those voices, or in many cases our parents' expectations. It's taken a LOT of therapy (and an entire ocean between my parents and I) for me to be able to put my foot down and do what I want for the first time in four years, if not my entire life. But I have to believe it's the only thing that's going to help me lick this depression for good. The voices in my head -- the judgemental ones the depression throws at me just to hit me when I'm down -- sound EXACTLY like my parents. I can imagine what they'd think of me for everything from my eating habits to my study schedule to the fact that today I simply couldn't make myself go to class because I was too overwhelmed. I forget all the good things about myself, all the things I'm proud of, like I'm seeing myself through this extra judgemental filter or something. Anyway I'm not really sure what the answer is for shutting them out, but this is my long, rambling way of saying that I totally understand what you're going through and if you figure out how to banish those voices, let me know