>>but my mistakes define me

My dear Fuzzworthy...

Mistakes do not define us.

What does it mean to "define" oneself? That is something internal, and we can choose to define ourselves in any way we wish.

I could define myself as a lump of flesh, blood and bone.
I could define myself as my sentient spirit.
I could define myself by my sense of humor.
I could define myself as "a gay man".
I could define myself as a "mentally ill man."
I could define myself as a "short man."
I could define myself as a "man with arthritis."
I could define myself by my successes.
I could define myself by my failures.

But it would be silly to define myself by any of those narrow views, as each is only a part of who I am.

A more reasonable way to speak about "defining oneself" would be to take into account the way others see us. How we interact with them and how they perceive us. I interact with others as a man with a sense of humor and intelligence. Sometimes my arthritis and depression affect my behavior and ability to interact with others. I make mistakes and I do good things. This causes many people to like me and some to dislike me. It may become noticable to some that I am a gay man if Brad Pitt walks into a room. Others may never know this about me. I am the weighted sum of all of these behaviours, and other people will project their beliefs and prejudices onto me to varying degrees and will individually decide on my "worth" to them.

Look back at my first list of attributes. Depression will act as a filter, allowing me to believe only the negative traits, filtering out not only the positive ones, but also the objective ones. Depression leaves me feeling like a short, depressed man who cannot live his life to its fullest because of his arthritis and who is in a very bad position due to the mistakes I have made in life. Depression only lets me see a small part of "who I am" and believe it to also be the way the world percieves me.

Look at how we here percieve you my fuzziness. We all love you, care about you, and find you valuable to our lives. When I returned here after my relapse, my most comforting moment was receiving a large, lopsidded hug from you in chat. I was typing a lopsided hug to you at the exact same time... I don't know if you knew that... you beat me to the "send" button . But it really gave me a sense of comfort and gave me back my sense of connection to this place as a community after my absense.

I don't know who or how you think you hurt someone. We all make mistakes. If you hurt someone, the best you can do is to apologize, it is then up to that person to understand and forgive. Not everyone will, because as I said above, they view us with their own beliefs and prejudices in place. The responsibility for that is as much on them as it is on you. If they do forgive you, you can not continue to beat yourself up about it, you must accept their forgiveness and realize that often an even stronger bond is in place afterward.

In any case, it is only one very small part of the overall picture of "who you are." Depression blows it up big like a funhouse mirror but it does not negate all of the good about you and all the people who care.

{{{{FuzzyWuzzy}}}}