Today, after 6 months of beautifully closed (and relatively scar free) skin, I fell back into SI. My T's reaction this time was both different and shockingly helpful. She actually gave me "permission" to do it again if I needed it. Obviously she was not saying "I think you should do it again" and obviously we talked about it and she offered me other options and she was very aware of what was going on that triggered it. But she didn't shame me, make me feel guilty, forbid me to continue, insist that i "throw out my blades" and that was really cool of her. That allowed me to focus on the pain that triggered the behavior rather than the behavior which is a symptom of the pain. It was a really healing reaction. I'm still feeling unstable and at kind of at risk, but I feel heard. I feel really, really heard. All I can say is thank god for my awesome T.