Why can't I be honest and tell you this in person.

I need you to ask that follow up question. But you never do. You never read those non verbal signs. My swift sideways moves of the conversation, away from the painful to the safe. You let me get away with it every time. I expect you to be a mind reader. Yeah, just realised that, I never realised that.....well that is very unfair of me to expect that should be able to read my mind.

And then you say too much, talk on and on. And then you blow it. Like today, "that's enough praise now......". How do I interpret that? It was sitting there, the praise, in my head, the nice words you said, id done something ok, you verified that, then you say "that's enough praise for now". A joke, i know that rationally, thats all, but emotionally i feel Rationed......I want more. I want to get used to hearing praise, not feel so embarrassed and shameful and undeserving every time someone praises me......not that it happens often anyway.

And then my evasiveness. Years of practice of not answering the question, of swerving issues, of keeping secrets. Im an expert. But I need you to hear what i am leaving unsaid. Im shouting it out to you. But its a silent scream. But that's unfair on you. You need me to be direct, to say what i need, but I struggle so. I need a mind reader because I go mute at key times.

No one has ever wanted to listen before, to really hear me. I know it's just your job but let me try to believe the illusion that you really want to hear my dull thoughts.

Why do I feel worthless? How could I make myself feel less worthless? I want to feel like someone is genuinely bothered about me, truly cares that I exist, not because I serve a function or because they have to but just because they really want to be bothered. Care for me as I am. How I really am. I just want to feel I deserve to be alive, using resources, taking up space. That it's ok for me to do those things. Instead of feeling like a "gooseberry", that third person who is always there, in the way, when you just want to be with that other person. I always feel that I am in the way, a presence to be tolerated.
And no one has ever wanted to just love me or care for me, no strings, no conditions.
But of course, once again, this is all externalised. Because internally I hate myself, hurt myself, berate myself. It will have to be from an external source until I can believe in it and internalize it.

And, you know, i think I'm too "high maintenance", too needy. I will fail you. I expect too much from you and I'm being unfair. You try so hard but I keep letting you down. Other, more straightforward clients deserve your time, more than I do. At least you stand a chance of success with them.