ok, proper reply :

yes, i think i need to, one day. we've all discussed that this depression thing is just going to be there in the future, but i guess i've never really confronted the reality of it & mourned my "this is how my life will proceed" dream being shattered. i guess identifying it is the first step, though . i can talk to austin-t about it the next time it gets me down.

did you end up emailing, suga? i'm curious to know your thoughts, and your Ts, if you're willing to share .

thanks, SAWE. the problem is that pretty much every professional i've seen has believed that there is more to my depression than past trauma i.e., there's a genuine chemical imbalance going on, beyond what is explicable in terms of cognition/past learning. so while i can still make great progress in overcoming the ptsd, the depression is still going to be a loose cannon even once all the ptsd stuff is fixed. it's so frustrating for me, truly - i work so hard to get out of a depression caused by past trauma, only to be thrown into one caused by my brain just being fried.

the trauma stuff feels good because i know i can control it. the weird depression makes me feel even more hopeless because i can't predict it, or avoid it, or manage it, or do anything really beyond just sitting it through.

hey, far . it's been a long time & i've missed you . i understand what you are saying, and there is probably some truth in it also. everyone thinks it is some inherent thing, but probably it will be easier to cope with if i can work away at the specific issues i do have. i think they compound each other, make it harder to get through the endogenous depressions. i need to remind myself of this, and keep working away at what i can.

thanks jex for taking the time to type out that quote for me!!! i've got khalil on my bookshelf waiting to be read. i think acceptance is probably a good thing for me - you're right, i'm just getting depressed about being depressed otherwise.

sunny & zooey - you both know me well and know that hugs are always always always gratefully received. thank you, lovelies.

thank you wepow. i need to be reminded of this, because sometimes i forget and realise i have resigned myself somehow. i'll keep trying.

jb, i'm sorry you understand where i'm coming from, but it helps me to know that you relate. i play mindless computer games to help me while away the hours. we have target here in australia too but i get the impression it's pretty minor to what it is over in the states?

this is so helpful, blackcanary. i go running a lot when i get depressed - helps me burn off the energy that i can't do anything else with, prevents me from becoming restless. it's SO HELPFUL to look at this in terms of a chronic condition - gives me a framework to organise my thinking, and now i can start problem solving . i'm going to trust you on what you said about our ability to enjoy life changing as we mature and grow. it's a really important thought for me to hold on to. thank you.