dps writes:
You try to paint on that mask and smile but deep down inside that mask is so heavy pulling harder on you than anyone knows. Closeness scares me so much yet being distant scares me too. Seems feelings from within are almost reaching up and choking me, trying to cut me off from everyone.............The outside world does not see what takes place nor do they hear what is said within. They do not see where you are or how scared you are and they are not looking inside of you to see the pain and fear you hold. You try to carry on being who you are but sometimes you do not know. You reach but fear at the same time. You want to be held but are afraid of the very touch that could be safe. You cry but many times alone when no one is around.


oh dear dps, it's an excruciatingly awful war that rages within to want to trust but scared to reach out. i have isolated away now and can only reach out through writings here and cherished associations with a few. otherwise it is all held close as i struggle through this world of monsters, evil men, nightmares, pushing away those that offer a hand IRL except my wonderful neighbor, and even she doesn't know the truth i hold within. and the quiet tears, shed alone in our room, oh how they hurt. wanting to let someone know but so afraid they will push us away. but i am finding i can shed them now, in therapy, finally, after 42 years (am 63 now) trusting my doctor and have given myself over to her. a very scary leap of faith, but have decided it has to be done. i scrutinized her eyes from behind my sunglasses to hide the fear and pain and mistrust within mine, and saw within a light, a caring light, i've never seen before. so now the work begins.

i try to achieve a balance to be able to function, and yes, wearing those awful masks to survive. but in my observations my dear you are so much stronger than you seem to perceive of yourself. you are an incredible example of survival and willingness to help others with your awesome support chats and outlines. you DO see the path to healing.

yes, it is so very hard to accept that we each ultimately have to do the hard work ourselves to heal, but that has (in a good way) "triggered" hope within from coming here to know "i" am not alone anymore. not anymore. so what has been held within can finally be released. and i don't give a d**n who hears the words, they are yours, they are mine, they are real, and they need to be expressed, not cowering in fear, ever ever again.

i love you so much my dear. you are a true shining soul of compassion and caring and deserving of all good things.

take care dear dps.