I've had SA in my history, some consious and some I feel not. I have images in my head but T and I are not sure if they are from an actual event or not. I live with the images but tend to not talk about them, prefering to believe they are just suggestive of somethinG I knew about someone, rather than them be an actual event that included me.

THe thing is I have always had phantasys of abuse and in my head I want the abuser to Emotionally hurt the "victim", in my Mind I smile alongside the abuser, I see the act. The last few days the image has come faster, harder, then suddenly I saw the child, she became real, I looked closer and the child is me thenast night I felt my whoLe thinking change 360deg, no longer was it a relIef to be part of the absuers attack, I suddenly shifted into the postion of her, the abused, I felt all the numbness and completel disbelieve she felt, I felt An awareness of appropriate feelings for a shocking event.

I've not talked to T about The constant daydreaMs I've lived with around this, to ashamed I think, but this has changEd, I'm not sure if its just about getting my feelings unstuck, hence the relating to the Girls own disbelieve? Or whether this is the beginning of a repressed memory.
Tomorrow I will tell T about my day fantasys I have always lived with where
I stand alongside an absuer, I understand intellectually that if we are abUsed we can either see ourselfs as victims or we identify with the abuser as we see that as being thw only way To feel powerful and escape unbearable feelings of powerlessness oVer the abuse. I honestly do not know what this is going to be really about, but feel a relief in as much as I no longer am just experiencing feelings of relief from watching an abUser, I Felt very real when I the image became about the childs experience.