((((Melba))))) What you describe is almost exactly the type of mental "torture" that I went through with my trauma healing. I am SO SORRY that you are experiencing this. For me, the standing alongside the abuser was my DID - the dissociating during the events. It was the only way I was able to survive the events at all. And it was just as you describe!!

It is hard to tell T these things because it can bring up emotions of guilt and shame - for me it was almost as though I was participating in my own abuse. Tell your T about this. And if you can, do artwork to show the scene. I did that and took it in to show my T. It was horrid to have to draw it out, but T could see the image I had burned into my memory and how I experienced the event. The entire dissociative experience was there for him to witness.

T stood by me and he was able to lead me through the event in a healing way. You can make it through this. I wanted to be sure to tell you all this because it was so brave of you to post this. You are NOT alone in this at all !!!