Hi Helena and thanks for the response. I have tried to figure out my reasoning behind this emotion that seems to hit me when I am feeling overwhelmed from all the bipolar manias that catch up with me. It is as if I allow such high standards to be set for myself because when I am hypomanic I can attain extremely high standards. I have done competitive bodybuilding where I have gotten my bodyfat down to 6 %, and most of the time I am within 10 lbs. of being considered in "competition shape". So I think maybe this comes from me wanting to fade from site when I have stretched myself so thin that I simply want everyone to go away and leave me alone. As for the husband, maybe I feel that he totally does not understand the pressure I am under and think he should appreciate me more, relieve some of the pressure...I have no idea. Maybe it is just my obsessive compulsiveness, I am also ADD and bore very easily. I go through almost self destructive type behaviors (not physically speaking but visually speaking) where I want to chop all my long hair off, or gain a bunch of weight. It is a case of extremes, I get to wanting extreme change of some sort in my life and I guess it needs to be in a visible way. Why that is? I don't know, that is why I would like feedback on this weirdness of mine. I remember feeling this way on and off all the way back to my pre teen years. It makes me feel very alive to consider a dramatic change. I've been trying to figure out what goes on in my head for almost 4 decades, each year I learn more and more. Thanks for taking the time!