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Originally Posted by siriusjones
Hi everyone. I'm kind of brand new to this whole support group forum thing. I'm still not entirely sure if I'm ready or willing to listen to or accept help from anyone yet. I've never been in therapy regarding SI, and I've been able to keep it hidden or at least keep up convincing stories for most of my friends and family. Right now I'm not looking for help or trying to stop. I guess I'm just trying to allow myself to open up about it a little more.
My SI definitely comes and goes. When I first started around age 11 or 12 I kept my episodes concentrated to concealed areas of my skin (upper thigh mostly). It never seemed or felt like a big deal to me; it was always just something I did. I would go months without even thinking about doing it, but I don't think it was ever really not a part of me. I generally kept my episodes to one or two scratches, usually with safety pins, and then I'd be satisfied and put it away, and I wouldn't go back to it for weeks or even months at a time. As I got older my SI started getting more intense, and creeping into more visible areas (lower on my legs, shoulders, forearms).
I have yet to really figure out my major triggers. Often when I begin to realize that I've grown attracted to someone, I get an urge to SI, maybe to give myself a reality check. I have pretty low self-worth (which I'm always working on) so I feel like if I mess myself up that'll give the person from whom I want attention one more reason not to approach me; damaged goods. I try to keep a safe distance from everyone I talk to; I don't like getting close to people, it scares me.
SI has never been something I've done out of sadness or depression. Usually I'll be fine one minute, but the next my brain kind of shuts off, and when I come-to I've got marks all over my arms. I'm aware physically of what I am doing, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing attached to the act until after the episode. I rarely derive satisfaction or relief from the act anymore; now it's more like guilt, shame, and a sudden lurch of fear: "How am I going to hide this one? What story can I use this time?"
This summer I met another self-injurer. She is open about her manic depression and has scars all over her forearms. She seems to be a kind of ticking time-bomb, very unstable, constantly on a rollercoaster in regards to her moods, and she causes me a lot of anxiety when we are around each other. Seeing her forearms sent me into a very weird place. It was the first time I'd really seen an obvious sign of SI on anybody but myself. The day I noticed her scars I went home and SI'd the most I'd ever done all at once. When I was finished, I didn't feel shame or satisfaction; I didn't really FEEL anything. But really, I just wanted more. None of them really bled, but it's been a couple of days and the lines are still there, raised, scabbing. I am a little nervous about someone noticing and asking about them; I don't know if I'll be able to explain this episode away.
That's pretty much my story. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing here but I'm hoping reading other's stories can help me out in some way. Thanks for reading mine.
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Okay, I read your entire post and so this is going to be quite a long reply. Bare with me.
When I first started SI'ing I can't even remember how old I was. I believe I was 15 or 16. It started off slow. I used a razor blade and just barely cut my wrist. The next time it was a little more intense. I cut more times, cut harder. It got to the point one night where I was so upset over a relationship I was having at the time, that I grabbed a razor blade and went crazy on my wrist. It started near my hand and the cuts didn't end until they were up my forearm. At first, I didn't feel anything. I was so upset that I was crying, and did not feel any pain. Well, I did it so badly that I nearly passed out from the blood loss. I had blood EVERYWHERE, I thought I had cut a vein. I just held some towels on it and fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was unbearable, and that's when I started asking myself how I would hide it. It was so difficult.. I hid it from everyone. My Mom walked out on me and at the time I lived with my Step Dad, my Brother, and my Sister. I managed to hide it from my Step Dad (to my knowledge) and my sister, but my brother found out. He was mad at me but didn't make a big to-do about it. My friends never found out to my knowledge, and I just had to wear long sleeves (DURING the SUMMER).
After that I think I cut once or twice more before I finally stopped. I guess that was a scary moment, of what had I done to myself and would anyone find out. Plus, when your cuts are so bad that your arm is sticking to your long sleeve shirt because of all the stuff coming out of it for an entire week I think that's a good indication that you've went too far. So I finally quit in the summer of 2009. I was fine all the way up until last week, when I was triggered by my Grandma. She was just being so rude to me after I had already had a rough day at work, and I just went all over myself. Luckily I was smart enough to do it hidden. On my biceps and my thigh. I counted 19 different cuts.. I didn't really feel any pain during it, I just felt really good.. It gave me a relaxing feeling, I guess. Don't ask me why, it just did.. So I guess I am sure I will do it again, and I am not going to even try to stop anymore.. We'll just wait until I get my next trigger..
The thing with it is, those of us who have ever SI'ed have given our brain something that it won't take back. Whatever feeling SI'ing gives us, it's something that when triggered is very hard to stop. We can be triggered at any time, for any reason, and any length of time after "stopping". In my opinion none of us will really be cured from it. It's an addiction that maybe can be more controlled than some addictions, but that at any point has a chance at busting out. That's how I feel about it. I think that even if we stopped for 20 years, it could come out again. It might differ with some people, but as for me, it's definitely how I feel.
I don't know what advice I can give you.. When I had quit for that entire year I always told people "don't give up, you can stop". The problem is while I was saying that, I always had the thoughts and feelings of wanting to do it, I just controlled them. Once I lost that control, well I lost my own advice that got me through the whole year. I do think it's possible that you can stop, and even for a very long period of time, but I still think that no matter what, those feelings we were given from doing it to begin with will always be in the back of our mind, and whenever something really triggers them into the open there is no stopping us...
Just know that you aren't alone. I'm right there in the same vote with you and the friend you made. As a lot of us are here. If you ever need to talk I am here, and everyone else here is too I am sure. Good luck to you, and I hope my post (if nothing else) showed you that your problems don't differ so much from everyone else here, and that there is someone that has SI in common with you.