as most of you know, i've had many surgeries upon my left breast. so many that i've spent long periods of time without the use of my left arm and spent more hours than i care to think about in physical therapy.

and you also know that it has really been hurting very much lately. even if i'm not consciously thinking about it, the fear is in the back of my mind that i'll have to have my 12th surgery. and emotionally, i'm not certain that i can handle that. this is crazy, but i've o nly had two surgeries without the ex there and it just scares the holy moses out of me to be in a hospital without the kind of support that i got from him. the two times i had surgery and other people were there turned into a holy hellish experience. so...i have to get over that.

the pain today is incredibly bad. i had to work until 9:30 and then went to buy gros. the store was cold and of course that causes the muscle spasms, etc. etc. etc. i'd like to just do the surgery myself. that's extreme, but when you've been operated on 11 times....it starts getting to you. and when the breast hurts, i have pain transference that goes to my ribs and my shoulder. i hold myself differently and it makes the other areas really hurt.

so, now i know the reason for some of the most recent anxiety attacks. i just don't know what to do about them. xooxx pat