Not sure where to put this but I've had two best friends, who claim I "ruined" their life.

The first, her name was Donna, I was friends with her from 4th to 6th grade (ages 9-11). I learned today, after hanging out with a friend of mine who I've known since 3rd grade, that she hates me because I ruined her life. She said something about me not accepting the lunches she gave me back then, and I only thought of myself.. Mentioning that once I had blamed her for all the arguments we had.

The other, her name was Rachel, she was 2 years younger than I, and I knew her online (she was my online best friend) from 7th - 9th grade (ages 12-14). She said I, too, was selfish and only thought of myself, I'm sure there are other things, but we argued a lot as well.

Rachel actually stole my boyfriend, if you'd look at my past posts you'll see how I cope with that (horribly) and the whole story behind it. She thinks I deserve it, it's payback, or revenge to her cause I "ruined her life".. and she admitted this, that's how I know.

Now I don't know how to feel about this, it makes me sound like a horrible person. I am depressed, and I was physically, sexually, and verbally abused as a child by 99% of the people around me until I was 8.. Dealing with the stress, and the memories, when I was little came out in lots of aggression until I was 12 and it turned me miserable. When I go over this in my head it sounds like I'm making up excuses, not accepting that I was a selfish, bossy, little brat until recently. But I don't see how I could have ruined their lives?

I told Rachel that if she didn't like how I was she could leave. She knew I was dealing with things, but she would always say I wasn't strong enough or she was able to survive this and that without being sad. With Donna.. well I can remember a lot of times when we had fun.. but I don't see why these grudges must be pulled out so far? I haven't spoken to Donna since I was 11.. I'm 15 now and yet she still thinks I'm selfish and admitted to my friend that she doesn't approve of us hanging out together?

I tried to distance myself as much as possible from Rachel when she first took the guy I was with (so similar to my current situation) last year in April.. but she follows me around trying to crush my spirit, trying to take all the guys I ever liked.

I don't understand why they pull it out so far. I could name a hundred things I didn't like about them, or stuff they did to me, but I don't and I don't hate them, I never played the revenge or the grudge game. I never told my friend he couldn't talk to Donna or that I didn't like the fact that he is still in contact with her. I never told my boyfriend (now ex) really that he couldn't talk to Rachel, I mean I told him I wasn't comfortable with it but he could if he wanted to.

I've grown up so much these past few years but these girls.. they're stuck in a rut and refuse to just let go? It's starting to get to me, and I don't want it to but it does. I can't see myself as being as bad as they make me seem to be. I mean I have plenty of guy friends who don't understand where these girls get it from. I wonder if it's them or if it's me. I wanna think it's them but.. thinking that way might prove I am what they say I am???