Three miracles...

please forgive this ole lady for reviving my post of sadness, fear and despair, but i fell into the abyss again yesterday. it was lurking, ready to pounce and then suddenly there it was, and there *i* am, lost again. but this is also a writing of hope too, as i struggle to climb out again into the light.

on the 3rd i accidentally knocked my fairly new (10 mos. old) laptop off the table and destroyed the screen, no access to anything, no warranty to cover accidents. bought a display one on sale and what could go wrong did. (1st thing, it was password protected and store closed, the rest of the week continued in kind.) but last friday it was replaced with a brand new out-of-the-box one at a branch store. basically, lost everything two times. was just too much to take and have retreated belatedly, as is my pattern, to hold on during the crisis, then after it's over lie broken and bleeding.

but three miracles have occurred. someone posted a poem about not giving up and one line said "it's always darkest before the dawn". so i held on to that, plus you dear people here.

miracle no. 1 is that an item in some ads i have in eBay classifieds (free to list btw) sold. couldn't have been better timing as i had to use my carefully saved tax money for new computer. and an extra $20 to hold item for her.

miracle no. 2 is i talked today to that other store's manager, told him what all went wrong with computer #2 and the hours i spent online and on the phone to hewlett packard to try and fix it, and he said come in saturday and he will give me $50 back to my debit card.

miracle no. 3 had to write my sister (she, my bro**** and i are all three owners of this house i have the incredible fortune to live in--but i basically had to tell them both to leave me alone because it just hurt too much the way they treat me) for help with the taxes. she is SOBER now, she is applying for physical disability and workman's comp and is a changed person.

i thought, i don't care anymore, i'm going to tell her what is going on so she will understand how she has triggered me and how i need my own area of safety to be able to survive (she knows about the bipolar, but not the dissociative aspects, the awareness of them are new). but if we were to "begin again" she needed to know how to back off when i need her to.

she had just seen a program on Oprah about D.I.D. and said ***she understood*** she suffers with dark depression herself and my little sister seems to have matured into a wise woman. i do love her and have missed her so much. my photo here is with her son, my dear nephew who is 30 now and also suffers with bipolar disorder--he's in miami now finally getting the help he needs in a group home, sis never really understood i don't think but is trying!)

so we set parameters. i let her know when *i* go away somewhere...back into hiding, or fall into the scary abyss of monsters and evil men and she will stay away. we will only communicate through email, no phone calls. too close. too triggery. too scary for me to get close to anyone IRL anymore, even my wonderful neighbor. sis said she always is there for support, she will be my "safe" person. ohh, i cried and cried for this miracle over the years, for her to just give me space to breathe and hopefully try and understand this mental hell. still scared to trust tho, too many times deceived, but i don't want to lose this precious beginning.

anyway, just needed to share these things. am not as lost tonight but oh so sad, don't understand but there it is. hopefully this is for real. too many tears for only a week's time. trying to do self-care, loving you all, appreciating this place of hope and healing.

Two sisters, lost but now found...?