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Tonight I sit here feeling so many things that it is hard to write it down. This weekend things really overwhelmed me to the point I wanted out. A feeling that is still present within myself but not only of me. Feelings of being pushed and like I am unworthy and a burden still screams within. Those within hurting and trying at the same to give to me feelings I am terrified of.
Again today I did not want to go to therapy and knowing that when I do not want to go is when I need to be there the most. I began feeling anger today as I talked to my friend, a feeling that felt so scary and not sure if it was okay. Mixing feelings of anger and fear, a fear I cannot explain and a fear I have never allowed myself to fully get in tough with, much like the anger.
Talking about my family in a way I had not talked before the anger began to rise and something inside myself was needing to talk about it but yet not sure. These were my memories or it seemed so. The anger has been rising for a while now and each time I started to go there I would pull away from it, change the subject, or just turn it off as quickly as it came.
But today was different almost as if it was time and it was not going to step back. Tears were right there as the emotions hit me and it was all I could do to keep myself together. I kept apologizing as if I was going to get in trouble a feeling I have always felt anytime anger came into the picture. My heart was almost racing as I stepped close to the anger.
I felt that talking about my family would somehow give them an excuse for what they did as both my parents grew up in abusive homes and the biggest part of what I have been through. I sat there feeling so afraid, and too afraid to even get ready to leave for therapy. I fought it and tears began to fill my eyes. I felt to close to this feeling, a feeling I have never allowed myself to go to.
This feeling bubbled up within as I felt myself saying things I have never said or at least not in the detail and tone I had ever talked before. As I got ready to walk out my door I felt I wanted to run as if I was going to be in trouble. I hugged my friend almost afraid to let go. Tears filled my eyes as I walked down to the hall to go out to my car.
I felt myself looking around as if someone might see me. A feeling of you are not supposed to be saying anything came over me. As I sat in my car tears were streaming down my face. Something within myself seeming to say we know and fear filled my whole being. As I drove I found myself looking everywhere as if someone might be following me.
I walked into the office and waited a few minutes for my t to come out. Sitting there my thoughts were racing and it felt as though a rush of memories were bombarding me in all directions. I felt as though my head was swirling so fast and my arms felt backwards as if I could not handle anything. My t opened the door and I felt so afraid as I stepped in and he asked me how I was.
I said I was angry, and he said that is good. Not that I was angry but that I was for the first time really getting in touch with anger. I sat in the chair I always sat in and he turned to me and asked about the anger. Something within myself could not hold back and words just started coming out and feelings that I could not hold back. Tears filled my eyes as I talked and it seemed I went from point A to point Z and all points in between.
My t did not stop me at all and he allowed me to just talk and get it out. I felt so out of control and my voice was definite. It had been working up for a long time and finally just had to get out. I felt it was the memories that I held and remembered, but my t thinks that maybe some of the memories were being given and released all at once.
I was shaking and in the pit of my stomach I felt something I had felt as a child----a chilling cold shaking feeling and it felt like it was tightening like it used to out of fear.A feeling of needing to get out and run away came over me. My anxiety hit a high and my t knew I needed to calm before leaving. He was very validating and I felt heard. I know there is a lot more to come and this was just the beginning.
As I left my t’s office I felt this fear of walking outside to my car. Thoughts filling me of what if they are waiting, what if they know somehow. I got to my car and just cried as I drove away to go to physical therapy. I really just wanted to go home. Tears continued to flow as my emotions were riding high. I feared the outside and part of me just wanted to go home again and get behind the locked doors of my apartment.
I went to physical therapy and then straight home. Walking from my car inside I looked around almost feeling the need to hurry. There was no one but within me a fear had come over myself and all I wanted to do was get inside and up to my apartment. Walking in I felt a sense of relief, of safety but only for a moment. I found myself pushing something in front of my door to somehow keep everyone out.
I know this was a good thing and I did feel relief afterwards. But within something feels stirring and I fear the night. I am keeping myself going and trying to stay grounded so that I am aware of what is going on around myself. Something within feels angry and I fear that a call could be made if I do not stay present and knowing what is going on. I am not sure I can sleep as I sit here still shaking.
My t told me today that it was a big step forward and something that I needed to be proud of myself for doing. I am and I know within there is more to come but not tonight. I need to just be sure to stay present and aware so that no one calls or checks in. This fear is one of the fears I have had of allowing the anger to come forth but it is also something that was needed and good.
Inside is scared and I am scared, but we touched it today. It will be worth it someday as we continue to walk this path and allow those within and myself to feel what is there and open more doors to the secrets we hold. I still feel an overwhelming need to not be at times but there is also a part of myself that does not want to be gone. Some kind of a fight so to speak within myself is taking place but I will hold on to what I know----the truth.
dps
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