I am having really bad flashbacks the last week or so. Wend antique shopping with some girlfriends the other day and ended up bolting from the store. I walked around a corner, looking for an antique Ragedy Ann doll (for my munchkin for C'mas) and BANG!!! Right there in front of me is an exact replica of my mothers red trunk. I backed up into a table full of glass something or other and then RAN from the store. I could feel myself SHRINKING. . .becoming a little person again. I didn't want to be in that trunk again. . .I KNOW I'm too big, but still. I don't feel too big.

I had an emergency session with my regular T yesterday, and he brought out the box I'd made a while back. It looks like her trunk. Inside of it is a doll that resembles me, but that I've painted with bruises and other stuff. There are also words in the box too, on little scraps of paper. He brought the box out, and set it on the table next to me. He had me look at it. . .that was hard. He wanted me to open it. . .which was even harder. But, I couldnt bring myself to take the doll out, no matter how hard I tried. He asked me did I have anything I wanted to say to her. I finally told her. . ."Don't ever come out."

As much as I hate that effing box. . . at least it was safe in there. I wasn't being hurt while I was in there.

My nightmares are EXPLODING in my waking hours and I don't know how to keep this from happening. This morning, while playing with my little girl outside, I could SMELL my mother. I looked around, thinking someone had come up on us that had on her perfume or something like that. . but there was no one. I could SMELL her. . .no question about it.

I am bungie'ing between being totally ok . . .pulling on my education and training to get me through this. On the down side of that bungie cord is saying "to hell with education, this is different, this is ME!!!"

::: SIGH ::::