(((((dps)))))

I cried when I read your last line. The truth is something that we can hold onto because we know it and we own it. No matter what anyone says or does, they cannot alter the truth. As I read about your anger and your fear, I could feel the fear welling up inside of me. Getting in touch with the deepest, darkest places that hold those feelings is very scary and unpredictable. I never know what is going to happen when we delve into those spots. But being able to feel your feelings that are associated with those areas of your life and mind is a huge step. For those of us who dissociate to quell our feelings and emotions, actually feeling them and allowing them to be while staying fully present is an achievement of grand proportions. Some people don't understand it when I tell them that I was able to feel my anger or my sadness because they have always been able to feel their feelings. I know that for me, someone else felt them for me if I was unable to at the time.

I am glad that you were able to go to therapy and talk about this. I think I know what you mean by not wanting to go. For me counseling is very draining and it makes me mentally tired and afraid. Facing my past and working to get rid of old programming is very trying for me. It takes every ounce of my strength sometimes. Talking with your T was a great thing for you to do to take care of yourself and I commend you for that. It seems weird to say that, but I know what it is like to not face things and leave them tucked away. It builds my fear. Fear has been the one constant in my life. My counselor calls it my "oldest and dearest" friend just because of how long it has been a part of my existance.

I personally think that tears can be a very good thing. It is a safe way to express emotion and sometimes for me it is the only way to express myself because my words fail me often. I applaud your courage to allow yourself to cry and to feel the emotions associated with the tears.

dps, know that we are here for you and would like to sit by you if that is ok. There are many here who are ready and willing to listen and be your support. Krista, one of my youngers/littles said, "Maybe dps needs Krista sing froggy song. Froggy song make Krista happy." She is so cute and her singing voice is so angelic. If it is ok with you, please imagine her singing you your favorite song, as she would like to do that for you at this time. All the other youngers are sending you their warm fuzzies (little pom pom balls) from the Hotel, and some are sending you their stuffies ("just for a little bit ok?") We need and appreciate you dps. Safe hugs from all of us, to all of you.

Cris and the Hotel