i guess this is IT...I'm finally allowing myself to feel the feelings that I've been running away from forever and ever.

the stuff that happened when I was 8 feels so much more horrible than what happened when I was 4 - 5...because I "knew better" and because of what was going on in my own family at the time, and because it was more violent, and because it really finally solidified what I knew all along - that my mom was right - I am a bad, ugly, fat, stupid *****.

I feel like I will NEVER feel better. I keep reaching for grace, looking for it, but I can't find it. It's like...here I am. In the place i've never really let myself go. and I don't know how I will get OUT.

I hid all through session. T thinks it's so important for our eyes to connect. I couldn't. I feel inside out. It feels awful.

I asked T if we could write and he sat with me and I wrote one of the biggest flashbacks I keep having and I wrote how bad and ugly I am. It was easier to not talk.

Towards the end T asked if we could stand up and we did and he asked if I would accept a hug, and I did. Then he asked me again to look at his eyes. He backed up so i could see him more easily (he's tall, I'm short). I finally looked at him. He said that I am okay. He said that when he sees me, he doesn't see the story, he sees the me that is in front of him. I looked at his eyes for a long long long time. I said "I can't believe you were here the whole time". I felt all by myself all through session.

I get now why I create ruptures at these times. It feels wrong to be loved and cared for. T said early in session that usually at times like this, when we look back, I just wanted to be cared for. But I don't feel like I deserve it. T said if I let myself be loved by him, then I have to let go of some of "I'm bad" and it feels confusing and hard.

This is awful. I can't believe it will ever feel better. I can't believe I told T what I told him and that now here we are looking at it and feeling it. It literally makes me sick when I think about it.

I'm looking for some kind of grace, but I dont' know how to find it.