I can't say I was never selfish.. But I was in the position where a lot in my life was going on and I just needed someone to rant to, someone to talk to, but they would think that they could save me, they could make my life better, give advice. I never wanted to be saved or made better, and I never wanted advice. I just wanted someone to get it.. but they didn't. This made coping harder and my emotions would get bottled up, until eventually I would burst and we would argue.

Around a few months ago, since Rachel had messed with me a lot, I was very hostile around my boyfriend.. and I had good reason to be. Inside I trusted him, but I would always resist that and when he would do something suspicious, or Rachel would get on his accounts and write that she loved him using a nickname, I would put up those walls and yell from behind them that he better not mess with me. When he'd give an excuse I'd call him out on his bs and he would deny and deny and deny until I gave in.

What really gets to me though, was that the day he started cheating on me August 14th (yes two months to this day) I had called him out on his strange behaviour. I asked him if he wanted to be with her and I said I didn't care and I just told him that he could, cause I suspected. All I wanted from him was the truth and for him to stay in touch with me no matter what. But he denied, regardless of my open invitation to come clean and leave, and kept up the relationship until October 2nd, when I found out. If I hadn't found out I would probably still have been being mislead.

Going through my old messages with him I can admit I was a bit of a downer however.. but he kind of enabled me. He said he always wanted me to tell him, or else he wouldn't think anything was wrong and he said he wanted to know and understand. So.. I don't really understand why he of all people could think I'm in the wrong and I deserve all of this and all that, when he told me to be how I was. Why would you teach your child to colour on the walls and then get mad at them when they do?

I don't know what's going on but frankly, I'm starting not to care anymore. It's such a waste of life to care about them now. I had apologized to Rachel for not appreciating her and I even apologized to my ex for the same. But at the time they all jumped up and down saying that an apology wouldn't make us be friends again and didn't get it when I explained that wasn't the point.

I just feel like this movie I'm in keeps skipping back to the same scene, over and over and over and no matter how many times I try to go to the next scene it jumps back to this one. I feel like it's time to take out the DVD and put in a new one. Time to watch another movie, open up a new book, for that one is just defiantly not going to get any better.