Well.... now I have dealt with a big part of my childhood sex abuse issues or ...so I thot.
So .... yup ... its almost 2 straight years of therapy .... went through the csa confrontation .... figured Im good to go .... but that hasnt happened. took a break from T for a fewweeks to figure out what I was doing ...
only to find myself back to see him last nite.
Click!!!!
Figured out I do not know how to behave around people, how to act around people, how to be at ease and just be...just be OK.
I really hate this. I mean how the heck am I gonna learn this at my age. I have been working on the social thing but I have not gotten very far and now I am at a point where I actually have to talk the steps to act on what I have been working up to. Actually practice being in stiuations where I am social and interacting with people I dont necessarily know very well. UGH!
T says I was never shown healthy relationships growing up, never shown what a healthy relationship feels like, no boundaries established but even the simplist things like feeling comfy talking to a person or sitting in a crowd of people .... to be ok in these situations .... when I am in a situation where I have just met someone I become anxiety ridden or in a room full of people out in public or anywhere even church I do not feel comfy ..... T asks what is bothering me in those moments .... so I
tell him how its always been that way .... when I meet men or woman ... there is some sort of unrealistic thing going on in my head .... when I meet a guy my brain starts to go in circles.... breaking down the person, disecting what they are like and whether I like them and whether they like me and then looking at the diff paths it could take in any directions....but then I become exhausted because there is no way to know anything that I am actually trying to figure out ... there is no crystal ball..... rather than stick around for just a friendship I just walk away quietly and see from a distance ... I watch people go on with there lives after my brief encounter with them ... and I live through them ....
I have friends on facebook ... people I have known for years.... still keep in touch from a safe distance .... but every once in a while I will look at their pics for updates ... even when I have not spoken with themin a loong time .... or never do. yikes.
So I am watching everybody and how they live but I have been to scared to try and do it myself. Not that I do not live, but I do not live in a cohabitation I do not get close .... I never see my friends .... very rarely do I go out .... I am a hermit .... I want to go out I dream about it .... but I do not .... I stay soo busy with work and trying to manage everyday stuff that when I do get opps to go out and live and meet people .... I shut down and go to bed. Messed up in the head!
I am stuck in this pattern of fear and learned habits and I dont know how to fix it and figure it out.....
But T says there is nothing to figure out. ... he says I just need practice and the only way that is gonna happen is if I start to do things.
I am pretty upset with this knowledge. I have to work on this stuff if I am ever gonna be free and ok and if I am ever gonna just let things take there path .... T says I just need to stop trying to read a crystal ball ... sorta ... he says that I cant expect to know whats gonna happen I have to take the step and let it go where it goes. hmmmmmmmmmmm yikes!
scardey cat!

Ohhh and I didnt mention this but I turned my downstairs into an apt and now am renting it out.....talk about stress! ... T thinks it is good cuz it is forcing me to be social. grrr .... he thinks I did this on purpose to myself to ensure I fix what needs fixing ....
I just wish I felt better I guess. I get very aggravated with stuff when I got to be around people .... now I have to learn how to adjust to the tenant ...
just got the yikes feeling .... ya know!