yes.. that is exactly right. Either 5 more hours or 5 more hours in which i am capable. i am really not adjusting so well to the increased forced downtime. It's eating away at my optimism. i'd rather even be able to do somewhat less but be able to keep going - i just have no idea how to deal with that yet

i'm mad too... i want a good life but it's harder to get one this way. There are people who tell me they admire how hard i work and stick to things, never give up... but well, no offense but screw that. Being happy about that seems like being ok that pathetic me can only accomplish half as much and i should be happy with it. NOT. i can't very well buy half a car or half a can of tuna or half a carton of milk now can i?

i need a way to look at this that lets me have hope in my future

OTOH... i accomplished a lot today, despite feeling like someone hit me hard with a bat. Today i did it... i stand victorious.

i still feel like crap, i still hurt, i am still ill... i still can't eat properly and i am still struggling - but i found my FIGHT. Tooth nail, and whatever else i can use... i will fight.

I CAME HERE TO LIVE, NOT JUST TO EXIST.

peace