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Thank you Madisgram and Spiritual Emergency. Your insights have been very helpful. Madisgram you make an excellent point about my bf not being able to differential between real and unreal, but he's not always like that, it's just when he's having a delusion. Fortunately post-treatment my bf does NOT operate in a constant delusional haze. Stress and pressure triggers it now on occasion. I thank God he is a pretty clear thinker now after treatment.
I must point out that ALL his paranoid/delusions over the time I've known him are based so heavily in reality and so directly applicable to what is happening between us or in his interactions with others that I don't know if it's illness related, just his insecurities or if he has a naturally obsessive personality.
I know for a fact he seems to have several natural qualities such as jealously, insecurities, shyness, selfishness, no high ambitions, non-competitive etc. I know those are not caused by his illness but the illness seems to heighten the affect of some of these qualities.
He even made it clear early on that he pretty much wanted a passive woman who would agree with him and not really give him any back talk or opposition, well I refused because I'm not going to be like that for anyone. Every time I didn't want to go along with what he wanted he'd get mad and he'd said, "well I don't think we were meant to be together!" He'd always tried to control me and dominate me pre-treatment but I refused. He seemed to have a real problem with strong-willed women, which is surely insecurity related.
A really annoying insecurity he had was that he told me everyday for 4 years pre-treatment that he was worried that I'd leave him for a black guy because I'm black and my boyfriend is white. This could be very understandable if someone is super insecure but the way he relentlessly hounded me about it EVERYDAY seemed illness related. When I met him he was in a phase where he was obsessed with black women and black culture in general and wanted to be a hip-hop singer and songwriter.
Another thing pre-treatment, he was hardcore obsessing about blond haired women he said because his mom has blond hair and he would always harp on the fact that she has blond hair and he’d go on about his ideas about blond women because of how his mom acts. And he was constantly obsessing about what his mom says and he was convinced she hated him because she is very bossy, critical, loud and over bearing (according to him). Again this is understandable! In and of itself that does not seem ill but the constant harping and saying all blonds act the same as his mom, it seemed like an unhealthy obsession.
Pre-treatment he was obsessing for an whole semester about a (blond) lady professor he had, he thought she was cute and he was going over these whole scenarios of whether he would be able to get with her or not and if she liked him (even though she had a husband and I am his girlfriend!). Again this is understandable, and more callous and disrespectful to our relationship, not necessarily ill per se.
The only thing that was so badly psychotic was his suicidal faze and that was a scary nightmare. And also it was scary that he kept saying that his dog had a tumor and it was getting worse and worse by the years and he refused to get her medical treatment until she could barely function and he had to get her put to sleep! (all that suffering his dog endured because he thought she was going to die if she got surgery and leave him alone in the world!)
90% of my bad experiences pre-treatment with my bf are just super annoying where I had to keep assuring him I wouldn't leave him and trying to help him not be so obsessed because he got so hardcore obsessive about lots of other things, most of the other obsessions where mild and fleeting though.
In my other relationships and involvement with men they didn’t give a rat’s *** what I was doing or with who, just as long as they could try to use me for what ever they wanted.
But my bf NEVER shared with me anything out of the ordinary like government or alien conspiracies so I originally thought he might just have manic depression because he'd have months when he'd really be amazing and great then he'd have months of intense obsessions and he’d feel so low he didn't know if he wanted to live anymore and that would go on in cycles of about 3-4 months each of good and bad times, for the 4 pre-treatment years.
I also totally agree with you spiritual emergency, that many of the problems that I presented for me and my bf are not even schizo related. I know that his natural behavioral tendencies couldn't be all 100% illness related. I'm just trying to figure if the illness heightens those things or not. I’m pretty sure the intense obsession could be illness related or a separate problem in and of it’s self, maybe OCD. But the doctor didn’t diagnose him with that so I don’t know.
I believe you are also very perceptive and right on all the points you made too, spiritual emergency. You have been very helpful to me in pointing out some additional things that I didn't even realize yet.
You were right on point when you said, "All things considered, if someone is intending to choose a partner and build a life with that person, most people seem to feel rather happy about that. They seem to feel like they're getting a remarkable person and they're incredibly fortunate to have found that person for them selves. I'm not getting the impression that is the way you feel about your boyfriend. What I do hear is a lot of affection mixed in with a lot of confusion and uncertainty."
I do love my bf very much but that emotional roller coaster of the early years had sent me into such a tailspin and changed my view of him. And the problems I brought to the table didn't help either. Plus, the fact that I tend to seek the approval of men while refusing to be submissive to them at the same time isn’t a good thing.
Right now he knows better not to try to control me and there are so many behaviors that he has changed from the past, I have changed some of my behaviors but I am still working daily to change.
With that said, the major thing I’m am trying to work on now with myself is to let go of all the anger at the other men from my past and my bf for being the way they were and not letting my past color how I deal with men in the future. But the biggest overall challenge remains for me to stop believing that most guys are mean, unstable and abusive. I’ve already been able to make peace and forgive my dad, so that’s a good step.
Since I posted the initial post, I've been thinking and I'm not so confused anymore. I just would like my and my bf to come back together as a stronger communicating team rather than drift apart. He had been kind and positive in the last e-mail he sent 7 days ago but I can’t reach him on his cell or email, which is unlike him, so I don’t know what’s going on. The only thing I know for sure is he’s not good at managing a lot of major things at once but he has previously had always been super good at the relationship, managing schoolwork and his job.
He has a really hard class and a big test to study for now and more job duties but I don’t see how a 5-minute call or even a voicemail could take away from his progress. Things like this don’t make any sense to me and if I tell him that the lack of communication bothers me and he’ll probably withdraw more and get all depressed (which has happened before). I know now that men naturally withdraw for various reasons, but it is so frustrating. And when they do it they act like only their feelings count.
Anyway thank you again both for your help. :-)
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