Hi Everyone.

So I just got back from T. I decided to continue the discussion from last week and the worries about how she was viewing my mom after I told her a couple of good things. She said that she could hold multiple types of information about my mom and that the few good things she did didn't outweigh the bad things. Unlike other people who dismissed my bad experiences. It was a productive session. I also told her that there were a lot of things running around in my head wanting to get out. But she had me pick what we talked about, and it felt like this topic was the most pushing. I see her again on Tuesday (my usual day).

I told her that I wished that she could be my mom. I think she wanted me to say more. Because she sat there seeing if I would fill the silence with words. I wish she was my mom because then she would love me and take care of me. And I wouldn't feel bad for calling her when I was having a hard time. And then she would give me hugs and I wouldn't feel so alone. Then I would have a mom who wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Of course, I wasn't able to say any of this other stuff.

I feel like I should be happy with what I got from my parents. I had a roof over my head (when my mom didn't threaten to kick me out) and I had clothes to wear, and food to eat. I feel like I should be happy for what I got. A lot of people get a lot less. I feel like I'm ungrateful for what I did get if I am mad at them. I know they did what they could, but it just wasn't good enough.