Had a session a earlier this week--it had been 3 weeks since the last. I have really been in the doldrums the last few weeks--don't know why. So I was really looking forward to this session. The day before I had been thinking how nice it would be just to sit next to T on his couch and feel his energy, like maybe that would help lift my spirits. Well, that didn't happen today, of course (I rarely invade T's space!), and we did not end up having time to talk about how I've been feeling down lately. But the session was really good, nonetheless. We really connected and we both even cried a little. Well, at least I did. T's eyes just got teary and he did say a couple of times, "I'm going to cry." When my tears were dropping, there was a kleenex box sitting next to me and I was not reaching for it, so T said, "here," and threw me a box from his side of the room and it took me by surprise--bonk! Sorry, he said.

We had this talk that I found very moving, and profound too. Some of it seemed just out of reach of my comprehension, and I had to rephrase what he said and say it back to him so he could confirm whether I was following or not. And he had to help me reach just a little bit further so I could get it. "This is so profound," I said at one point, LOL. I think we each came to some new understandings. I liked how he asked me, "wait, you mean ___? then that would mean ___. Oh, I see. I can use that!" Or something like that. I liked how we were each pushing the edge of the other's understanding and learning something in the process.

I also told him how something he used to say had bothered me so much (and I had told him before that it was very triggering), but he seemed to say it all the time--“a hundred times,” I told him, exaggerating. (It felt good to exaggerate. ) And each time he said it, I knew I was not healed in that place because I would still feel pain (and resentment, he said). I told him that by continuing to say this thing, he helped keep my resentment alive. So I didn’t forget it and just let it get swept somewhere deep inside and walled off. Every time he said it, I was reminded that I still hurt and so it stayed in the fore and made me want to heal there too. He said people can feel resentment because of hope. Inside they hope things could be different and want them to be; they are not happy that things are the way they are. So resentment and its underlying hope can help drive the movement to something better. Anyway, when I first told him he had kept resentment alive for me, I think he looked a bit taken aback, LOL. But he got it when I explained, and accepted that he had done a good thing.

I also told him (twice!) how very disappointed I had been when he said a certain something to me quite a few months ago. It felt good to finally tell him that, because when it originally happened, all my walls just went up and I automatically showed no feeling. So I felt like I made some progress today on telling T my feelings (and in a really functional way!--who is this person?). T was suitably empathetic. Now if I can just move the expressing of my feelings closer to when the precipitating words or actions occur....

So it was a good session, we went super deep, even though it wasn't painful. I am used to thinking of going deep as really hurting, but this was going deep in a different way. It was good!