This week was very interesting with sessions. I went on Tue and it was very disconnected. I had missed him so much, but it was like I just took all the stuff I had been holding - stuff about tons of flashbacks and all that I didn't write in email when he was gone - and just dumped it on his lap and ran out the door. I was so dissociative and the session started almost thirty min late and then was over on time almost - something he never does with me (but I don't mind because he goes over ALL the time). But it just felt so bad in so many ways.

Thankfully, that Tue session was an extra one he had set up for me. So I got to go back on Wed. I was SOOOOO thankful for that !!!!!
I had my list of things I needed to talk about - and T told me I was "funny" :-) I am a bit OCD and one of the first things on my list was that I wanted him to tell me something he stated to tell me several sessions ago but I cut him off and I wanted to hear him. So he told me what it was and it was cool - something he learned in a therapy workshop about the brain.

But then I decided to follow my own advice and hit some of the harder issues - issues of being honest with T about some things. One of the things was about an email I sent to him several weeks ago when going through the very bad stuff, and I specifically asked him to tell me something. I NEEDED that and expected him to answer because we had been working on stating our needs. But he didn't answer that email. And it hurt me in a deep way. I was going to do what I always do and stay silent and smile - to not let the person know how much I am hurt or just how very deeply the pain can go. But instead, I told T.

MY T APPOLOGIZED !!!!

He didn't try to make an excuse, even though I did find out later that he had something going on for him. But he said I was right to ask for what I needed from him and he was sorry he missed that. It was so honest and so real. And it floored me!!!!

And then I told him about a couple of other things that happened in the session the day before - stuff about me getting very triggered because he handed me back my flashback pictures my little alters drew - and I felt it as an authority just totally dismissing what I had shared with them that meant a lot to me - stuff that took a whole ton of courage to share - and they would look at me and smile then send me on my way without a second thought. We talked about that and he assured me that he was not doing that and it did matter to him.

Then we talked about a comment he made on Tuesday about my not emailing him while he was on vacation. He told me I could. But I decided to not do it because I wanted to see if I could make my own boundary for my own growth. Ugggs - that was a tough lesson. But T allows me to learn and grow - of all the nerve . But he made a comment that "It would not have mattered" to him if I would have emailed when he was on vacation. My PTSD hypersensitivity kicked into overdrive with that comment on Tuesday!!!! Sooooo I told him. He listened so calmly to how I heard it - I heard "It would not have mattered to me one way or the other if you sent me an email because I was on vacation and would not have read it anyway!" Then he said "I can certainly see how you would have gotten that out of what I said. Let me see if I can say this a different way." Then he thought for several min and was stopping himself then starting again and finally told me that it did matter to him and he would have read my emails. I just would not have been disturbing him if I had written him. W O W

That was one of the best sessions... I am so thankful I had the courage to share that with my T. It is so hard for those of us who have been through intense abuse to ever trust. We trust and get smacked down emotionally. Then we trust again - just looking for something we hear others tell us exists - something that sounds as hard to find as the Holy Graile. But we want it more than anything in life. We just want to be able to trust just ONE human in this entire univers to not harm us - to honestly care and not hurt us. And even though I am still not certain that this exists, sometimes with my T I feel that maybe - just maybe - I am at least being able to catch a glimpse of what it feels like to trust another person.