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I am sorry this is so long as it has taken me days to write this once again trying to find the words swirling around within and to touch these feelings that are so real. Seems all I can do is try to write sometimes for hours between the few words that can come and then leave in an instance. I apologize for the length that came from somewhere but needed to be said. This was not easy to write but so needed to somehow reach forth and keep pushing forward in what feels like a backwards walk. All we can do is be open and honest as painful and hard as it is.
I am not sure where to start or what this may say. This week has been one of the hardest weeks I have faced in a long time. Seems that the anger stirred more than just that and fear. Inside is terrified as am I. Anger is something that was never allowed. The fear beneath the anger is even stronger or so it seems than the anger itself.
The fear lying beneath is screaming through those within as terror of even thinking about being angry out a long feeling and saying it has grasped hold and I myself am feeling very raw and vulnerable. The anger was a good thing, it was needed, it was something that has been coming for a while now and it is justified. But it has taken on a new meaning within.
The nightmares have been unrelenting this week in the little sleep that has been able to be gotten. Waking up shaking feeling as though those who were the ones to instill their fear and punishment seem to be closer than ever before. Feelings of watching all around have not lifted and seem to be getting stronger. But I ask if it is so wrong then why is it just below the surface?
For days I have been dissociating more than I have in a while others stepping forth, taking over, terrified to speak. Smells and odors stronger than ever seeming that father is right in the room with us and almost as if he is sitting right next to me. Those that come forth not saying anything at all and fear gripping all. And where am I during this time?
It seems that I am completely leaving myself as time goes by and I am in one place to come back to another place minutes later, sometimes hours later. The whole day goes by and I cannot remember what I’ve done or where I have been feeling like I am watching many times myself and floating off almost trying to reach myself from a great distance.
I have been shaking so bad as if I am cold yet it is anything but cold in my apartment. Those within that are not of myself taunting and threatening things that gets to us all. Moving the refrigerator in front of the door at night to know that no one will get in. Dreams so real that it feels you could reach out and touch them and not come back.
Calls to t , doing all that we know to stay and yet seeming to be gone without notice or where it is we’ve gone. Knowing that this is part of the healing that must take place in order to move forward yet feeling that we are in trouble for even touching this place. Sitting constantly off and on in our quiet place listening to soothing music that sometimes seems from nowhere to turn into something else.
It takes all we have to write and to get the words from within to without. Sometimes hours go by and I stare at an empty or nearly empty screen, yet the words are spinning within at a rate much too fast for me to even comprehend, yet knowing somehow they have to come out to convey where we are for it seems many times spoken words alone cannot come forth or at least about what we are feeling.
Painting on that mask each day trying to fit into a world that does not hear what we hear, or feel what we feel, or know what we hold. The mask is getting so heavy it is hard to hold up and feelings of shutting down and not leaving the safety of the locked doors grabs hold sometimes holding almost hostage in our mind. Sometimes not even able to make any sense of the very thoughts we have yet somewhere it makes perfect sense but no one knows.
I keep asking myself if nothing happened and I have no feelings then where are these feelings coming from and why are they there? If what they told us was a dream and never happened then why is it so present in every dream or every waking moment? Why are the smells so real as if they are right next to us all over again? All we want to do is be good.
Pain seems to be very present and the body memories are rising high. Trying to hide beneath long sleeves and turtle necks to conceal what seems to appear then disappear just as fast. Make-up can only hide the blackness under the eyes for so long before the sleeplessness seeps through and the red in the eyes from all the tears that seem to be leaking at a constant rate almost stopping and falling again.
Smoking one after another without realizing how many trying to numb something, just anything that would stop what we are feeling for even a moment. Quiet fills this apartment except the hum of the fan and the tap of the keys that comes in spurts before stopping to start again sometimes hours later. And then wondering if it really says anything at all as to where we are or what we feel or if it even makes sense, and afraid to read it back to yourself for you want to step away from the very words that come forth.
They say this is progress and all we can do is hope and believe it is. This feels anything but like forward, as we seem to move backwards through our mind, feeling everything we have never felt before or at least myself. But you keep writing and keep reaching just praying you are doing the right thing and that somewhere you come out on the other side if you keep pushing through not allowing it to engulf you and pull you completely away.
I know this sounds so off the last post made but this is real and honest as we walk through this place we have never been. I knew that one day it would come out that one day I could not stop this anymore. As good as that is, it is also harder than anything to face. The terror lying within still to come is pushing hard. No longer can I swallow hard or push it back into its little space where it was all neatly tucked away for so long and no one knew.
Each day it seems to grow bigger almost overtaking me, each day I feel more and memories seem to be coming faster than I can take. Feels like I am holding onto the edge and it is unraveling and thinning as if it could break and I would fall. I know those within feel it too as we all shake with a fear like it is cold. It is the way fear always felt as if you were cold and you needed to run somewhere just anywhere to hide, to get under cover.
How does one look into someone’s eyes when so much pain lies right where someone could see, when for so long no one ever even knew anything was wrong? Why does it feel as though even yourself is staring into the abyss that almost swallowed you then and it seems to swallow you now but you cannot turn it off like you used to? Each day the anger seems to swell and the fear seems to break the dam. Each day you just wished you would not have another day like the day before.
I will not quit as hard as the pressure within builds at what seems against me there seems to be a pressure within that is pushing back at the same time to not give in. I am weary and so worn out yet trying to keep going. The fall season has stirred deep fears and the colors we see that are beautiful on the outside carry many memories and feelings somewhere lying in the past.
One step, one day, one minute, one second at a time is all we can take but we will keep taking them as long as it takes. Even in the fear and unraveling………………………..
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Please do not hate me for this being so long, did not even realize it until after we wrote.
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