Suzzie... I have learned that there are first two types of anger.

1) Anger turned outward.
2) Anger turned inward.

Usually, the anger turned outward is what most people clearly understand as anger - it can take an aggressive form such road rage, or saying something hurtful to intentionally harm someone else. It can be passive-aggressive, such as offering to help someone out at the office who you are mad at but then doing something that messes up a project knowing they will look bad when something goes wrong. Or it can be very slow in the form of resentment, i.e. each time we see that person we refuse to ask them how they are doing when we ask everyone else how they are.

The second type, anger turned inward, can be the most dangerous type because we often don't even realize it is anger. It can also be aggressive - such as self harm. It can be passive-aggressive - addictions such as drinking and drug use (it makes us high at the time but we are really doing something that is bad for us that will harm us). Or it can be resentment turned inward. That manifests as constant feelings of low self-worth, continual desire to not be alive (( it is the same as the external form of every time you see an enemy you secretly wish they would drop dead)), or refusing to take care of the self - denying self medical attention when needed.

Usually with the internal anger, we feel it as sadness, depression, and remorse. Because it is not the rage emotion we have clearly defined as anger, we think "But I am not angry at all."

I was/am a MASTER of thinking that if I am not in rage with external anger that I am not angry. It has taken a LOT of work to figure out the hidden anger roots that create internal issues.

For me, to find out what I am really angry about that is hidden, I have to go through the steps of discovery. Here is an example from my real life: (I already processed through this but will act as though I have not to demonstrate)

Issue: A strong depression and desire to self harm.
Known feelings: sorrow, isolation, hurting

Drilling down to identify anger:

1) Sorrow - I was happy the day before but find myself very sad now. Something has caused me to move my emotional center away from joy into sorrow.

2) Isolation - I was feeling re-connected to friends and family the day before. Something is making me want to FLEE and remove myself from those people.

3) Hurting - I did not hurt the day before. Today my chest hurts and I feel as though my whole body is on fire.

~~~

The next step is to figure out what changed.

1) When was the last time I remember feeling happy, connected, and not in pain?
A. It was when I was eating dinner the day before.

2) When was the first time I remember feeling the sadness, isolation, and pain?
A. Later that evening before going to bed.

3) What happened during that window of time?
A. 1. I talked with my mom on the phone.
2. I talked with friends on PC.
3. I watched one of my favorite shows on TV.

4) In each event, did I remember anything that was said or done which made me feel uncomfortable?

A. For this situation, talking on PC was fine and watching my TV show was fine. But I can remember the sensation of feeling a bit "off" when talking with my mom.

5) In the event where the feeling is shifted, focus on remembering what the trigger may have been. This takes the most amount of work for me usually. You have to really think and feel at the same time and remember what was said.

A. I usually talk with my dad just to say hello. But on that night, my mom said my dad was busy. I did not talk with him. I am able to feel that this is the triggering event as even remembering it causes me to feel the sorrow, isolation, and pain.

6) With focus on the trigger, find the hidden anger root.

A. My dad was a primary abuser, but I still love him. I am angry at that entire situation anyway - so it is not really the hidden anger, but does add fuel to the NOW.

B. I have been practicing putting my boundaries around talking with my dad. That gives me the empowerment I didn't have as a child. In this situation, I wanted to tell my dad something, but he was controlling the situation and was not talking to me.

C. I feel my heart start to race and my anxiety rise and know I have hit the nail on the head.

7) State the Anger Root

"I am angry because I want to be the one controlling the communication I have with my father."

~~~~

After I am able to clearly identify this anger root, I can see exactly how it ended up manifesting as internal anger that masked as sorrow, isolation, and pain.

Knowing that it really is anger, we can then address the situation the same way we address external anger. There are whole workbooks on this stage :-)

Hope this helps!