I have such conflicting feelings right now....and they are overwhelming.

Had a session with T on Thursday, and we stepped out of the therapist/client relationship - and into more of a professional exchange about some other endeavors he is working on.

He gave me a gift in exchange for my expertise....and I spent quite a bit of time putting together my thoughts on the project he is working on and turned it around in just over a day. He was impressed with my work ethic....

He also suggested that I help him with another project that he is thinking about doing....which seems to be more involved in a more permanent way - outside the T/client relationship, and more into a working together kind of relationship.

I found myself excited....stressed....scared....

Much of what I do is to please others, satisfy others, work towards being valued....and then I start telling myself awful things - like I don't know what I'm doing, I'm a disappointment....that I have nothing to contribute....that I'm not smart enough, doing enough, worthy enough...ACK! I told T that my work ethic doesn't seem to come from a healthy place, and he wanted me to elaborate...which I did with the above. I know it's important for me to address....but it seems like such a conflicting place for me with him....

And then to think that my relationship with T will not be what it is or has been....a relationship where there is little in the way of professional expectations....this idea - although exciting - helps me feel so so so afraid of losing what I have with T....

But then again, in the long run, it could mean a longer term relationship with T outside of the client/T relationship....Isn't that what a lot of clients hope for? Yet, it scares me to death.

I am so frazzled right now.