absolutely, wepow. I am aware of the theory of object permanence/constancy, and definitely see that as part of my issue. I am also aware of the transference going on...that I've gotten support and validation and love? from my T that I didn't get from my mother or anyone else as a child.

When I'm feeling so lost and alone w/o T I often wonder if this is how young children feel when their mother is gone. Those with mothers that offer them that unconditional support, that is.

So, yeah, you guys are right and I'm aware of all that going on. At the same time, it doesn't help to know that and I don't see it getting better over time as I look back. Maybe it has gotten better, I don't know, it's a hard thing to assess in oneself.

On the subject of object constancy, I do see some of that in me, and have transitional objects, and that does help. But my thought process is more like...yes, T said ____. I can look at her picture or hold one of the objects or read her emails/letters/texts. But...is it still true NOW? She may have said to me, as she did just last week and not for the first time, that she won't abandon me. I can remember that and know it was true when she said it. But the insecurity comes in...does she STILL mean it? Has something changed? Is it still true??

And no, T and I don't talk much about this. I've said it here before, T doesn't seem to like to talk about our relationship a lot. I don't know if that is just her style, her personality, or a method of handling transference that she has developed over her 20+ years as a T. I don't know if she does it with other clients or just me. But we rarely talk about our relationship, and she has never used the word transference in my hearing.

This is just another way in which this board has become invaluable. Without you people I would be lost at sea, thinking I was alone and the only person ever to have these thoughts and feelings about their T.

Thank you