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zooropa · Oct 16, 2010, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jexa

Ooooooh I dare you, zoo! Those are the best, most liberating emails to send. It's scary but then it feels good to have it off your chest.

I double dog dare you!

heh, that made me laugh! thanks Jexa

I went to my email and found a message from another T in my Ts office. I didn't go to group today and the email was about that. I saw she also cc'd my T. I guess I should be glad she didn't bcc it, so at least I know.

Anyway, that kind of threw me for a loop and knocked me off the triggery spiral path I was on. I have to figure out whether or how to reply to this other T, and then I will figure out what to say to my own T.

I may just print something out and bring it to session and give it to her with my diary card. I'm kind of afraid to send an email because:

1) I will be stuck waiting, possibly all weekend, for a reply.

2) I got an email from T earlier this week and the tone was (I thought) rather cool and detached. And I realize that is the downfall of written communication. It just makes me think maybe I shouldn't email her. I am honestly afraid that her reply would be triggering or that I'm in such a triggery place that I'll be able to spiral out about it no matter what it says.

eta: this is the email I didn't send tonight. Won't send it, but just thought I'd share it here anyway:

Quote:

I don't think I'm coming back. I say this, and I know I might (probably will) change my mind. But it feels really important for me to tell you how I'm feeling right now, even if it changes. And of course it will change.

but right now? I don't think I'm coming back. I'm tired of looking forward to therapy and dreading it at the same time. I'm tired, so tired, of walking out of there with my heart ripped open and my legs like jello and my head full of bad things. I'm tired of taking days after each session to try to put myself back together, only to be turned inside out again the next week.

I am terrified of not having your support, T. And I know the day is coming when you won't be in my life any more. That hurts me and scares me and it also makes me want to have some sense of control over the process. If it has to happen, I want it to be on my terms and not because the RSN or someone else, even you, say so. I want to walk away while I can instead of coming into your office one day and baring my soul to you and then being told I can't come back.

So, there's a lot going on here. Therapy hurts and I don’t want to do it anymore. And the idea of being told I CAN'T do it (therapy) anymore hurts, too. So it's both, and I realize that's somewhat of a contradiction. It is what it is.

It's abandonment **** and I don't know how to get over it. I wish we could have spent time dealing with that, I wish I had some hope or some sense of how I will ever not have such a huge sucking hole inside of me. I feel like I have made a lot of progress during our 2 years together, and I also realize that I have a lot of work still to do. I have to, HAVE TO, have some sense of permanence. I can't keep doing this work while I wait for you to tell me that our time working together is done.