Zoo,
I can completely relate to you. Infact this was a little of the conversation I had with my T just yesterday. I also have the hardest time about abandonment and used exactly that word permanence in my last session. That I needed permanence/longevity. I needed to go at my own pace because I feel like the relationship between us is more healing than any words of wisdom, skills, etc that he has given me. He has always said that he doesn't have a time table, that we are here doing therapy until we are not here anymore and he doesn't know when that will be. He always says this, (I think he has used that line before). Let me tell you that so does not work for me. I have gotten him to say that I may be one of those people who benefit from therapy support for my whole life and he doesn't know when I am going to die. I like that one better.

I just want to let you know you are not alone on this. I am pretty certain it has to do with a lot of childhood abuse. (at least I know it is for me) I feel like a little kid in an adult body when it comes to these feelings of abandonment, the fear of trusting, the need for control. I tell my therapist over and over how afraid I am of him leaving, how lonely I feel when he is gone. And he is patient and kind and understanding about it. He reassures me everytime. I am glad that I have told him about all of this stuff. And I am more glad that I keep telling him because it doesn't just magically go away when you say it. I also don't know if it is getting worse or not but I do know that talking about it to him helps me. Can you send your email? I loved the first part about you will probably change your mind but this is how you feel right now. (such good stuff zoo.) I think you captured your abivilance about your therapy experience perfectly. I think that your fears are normal given the circumstances and your relationship with T. If you can stomach the telling part it is my hope that your T will find a way to comfort you and help reassure you. -just as mine does nearly every week. take care.