I hate my heart and my emotions. They are just so stubborn and stupid!

My ex-bestfriend, Rachel, has done so many bad things to me. She was mean behind my back, never to my face, stealing friends and boyfriends, talking ****. but every time she did it was easy to get rid of her. I just shut her out, completely, right away, never talking to her again, never giving her that inch to rebuild our friendship.

When we had it good, it was good. The realtionship I had with Rachel, we would describe as being more than sisters, it was just like that, it was magic to us.. or at least to me. Everything was more than and beyond words could describe!

But it was always easy to throw her away after she would stab me in the back. I could do it without feeling the pain dragging out weeks after.

But now with my ex-boyfriend, Jesse. Well damn. I can't just do that and he's been almost as bad as her! He's threatened to kill me, and he talks ****, and is mean to me, directly. With him it wasn't as magic when it was good but I felt safe.. everything was just moderately good, moderately fun, etc. etc.. Yet I'm stuck on him, the fact he cheated with her, it just hurts and I go from feeling hurt to hating him too much, talking about it so excessively that anyone could just look at me and say "You're not over him are you?"

Why!!!!!! It's so stupid! Everything was better with Rachel, and I loved her like my sister and more, yet it was so easy to say bye and I dont even care about the fact that she took my bf cause I expected it from her. With Jesse it was always rocky and always on the okay to negative side, yet I just don't wanna let go of it!!! I expected it from him too but I never waned to believe it.. my reactions are backwards and it gives me headaches..